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Couldn’t make it happen. Awkward.

by Once

I am still alive, and feeling extremely awkward. For fifteen hours last Tuesday into early Wednesday, I sat with my g*n in hand, and couldn’t pull the trigger. I ended up at a local park with several cop cars there as they talked me down. I had to surrender my g*n to the police. Several posters commented on what I thought would be my final post, and I haven’t been able to post anything until today. Thank you for your comments….I don’t know what to say, other than I thought I was ready to die, but clearly I wasnt.  Life is awkward and strange, and I’m ashamed.

11 comments
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11 comments

Neon Tree 3/28/2021 - 9:33 pm

Don’t feel ashamed. It’s okay, and I’m here. You’re wiser than I am.
You’ve been alone for a long time. That hurts. Your reaction to everything going on is normal for that much suffering, I’m glad you’re still here.

system 3/28/2021 - 10:13 pm

I’m so glad you’re still here (selfish, I know). There is no need for you to feel ashamed. Your reaction was human.

pa47385 3/28/2021 - 10:32 pm

i felt weird in my chest when i saw this post.

is awkward good? are you more stable? do you feel in any way better now than back then?

did you send the letters? will people treat you differently after this? is your situation good? will you have to get a job? would you be able to hold a job?

should i even be asking these questions? is this rude?
*shrug*

i already cried about this. i watched lilo & stitch, and for the first time i actually felt like i understood what it was about.

Robert77 3/29/2021 - 12:26 am

Don’t feel bad because most of us here have been thru it. I felt like playing Russian roulett the other day but I don’t want to go with a gun. My dad did that last year and my sister found him and she has never been the same. I couldn’t do that to my sisters or my son.

blue_dude15 3/29/2021 - 1:30 am

Hi, its ok, loads of people end up feeling awkward after attempts. But, selfishly, I’m so glad you’re still here. I wish I could give you a hug

thebends 3/29/2021 - 8:36 am

There’s no shame in changing your mind. In fact it can be empowering to reshape your destiny, and I think you have that opportunity now. I also had a very, shall we say, awkward moment last year, and I made it my turning point (quit drinking). I’m not saying your experience will suddenly cure you, but maybe you can use it as a marker, a reason to snap to attention and fix a problem or 2? Sort of like the person who has a health scare and decides to clean up their diet going forward. Think of it, if you’re alive in 20 years, you’ll look back on this incident and say it was a great moment in your life. Here’s to a new destiny whatever it may be.

Abnormal.Thoughts 3/30/2021 - 8:39 am

I wouldn’t feel awkward about it here, many of us here have been through similar things, irl, yeah, it’s awkward.
I was concerned that you were going to attempt after those last few posts, I could feel the hopelessness and pain you were suffering, I’m sorry you are still suffering but I am relieved you are still here. If that isn’t a contradiction.
I hope that the pain and suffering lift enough for you to find some happiness.

TheOpenRoad 3/30/2021 - 2:52 pm

Hey, I’m glad you’re still here. You shouldn’t be ashamed. What are you ashamed of? People thinking you’re a coward? Fuck, there is no coward’s way out in this game. They have no idea what it’s like to be you. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks.

For life being awkward and strange, I can only hope things will look up for you soon. Why don’t you get that van and leave it all behind? It could be a fresh start.

I hope you’re coping alright.

system 4/8/2021 - 11:43 pm

haven’t seen you active in a while, I hope you’re okay

ObiWan 4/9/2021 - 1:17 am

Makes me wonder if i were in your position if i would had pulled the trigger….

blue_dude15 5/1/2021 - 1:46 am

Hey, are u alright? You haven’t posted in a while

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