So, as things seem to happen, we had a little collision between my private health crisis and the support group. The major issue/technique is called dissassociating. It’s the point you pull your brain back and try not to return to the land of the conscious. You can even do it while awake, and every now and then a therapist will tell you that it’s “meditation” and “good for you.”
I’ll grant, I’m a fan. When I first wake it is incorporeal, aware that my body has decided to be ready to be inhabited again. Then I fight that urge. Stay abstract, my hands and body feeling an inert lump of flesh. So far I’m still losing, but I’d be interested to see if I could force myself catatonic.
Today I came out to my wife that I might have to take some time off for my health. It was liberating, in a way. It’s also a really dark place; everyone in my orbit can tell that I’m really sick, so when I mention it, they don’t really react. The idea that it’s “all in my head” kind of breaks down when I struggle to eat and sleep.
Oh, let’s talk about food. So I was eating better, but the trick to that was having a nice stiff drink. Then, my body being the responsive irritant that it is started gaining weight. I hate being overweight even more than being depressed. So, I push myself back down, and struggle to eat all the more. That’s how stress kills you, it destroys your function if you eat, and if you don’t. I’m being melodramatic; death is a long long long way off. Mores the pity.