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I Want To Feel Alive Again

by thehusk

I’ve spent so many years trying to numb the pain that came with self-awareness. Recognizing what I really am destroyed me, and I can’t see anyway back from that. But I also can’t bring myself to end it. And I can’t stand this cage I’ve built for myself. I want to be invested in life again. To really feel, rather than constantly managing and denying feelings. But the feeling often seems unbearable.

I don’t want to lie to myself anymore. To hide the truth behind rationalization and reason. I don’t want to be this detached zombie. But I can’t stand the truth. The truth makes me want to erase myself from existence. It sucks me into an endless pit of despair. I have to find some way to live with what I am, and what I’ve done. To really live, authentically. No more pretending, or constantly dulling the pain.

8 comments
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8 comments

TheOpenRoad 3/1/2021 - 6:05 pm

what have you done?

elleInWi 3/1/2021 - 7:05 pm

Whats the truth? And why are you stopping yourself from having feelings?

thehusk 3/1/2021 - 7:52 pm

Can’t go into it. I numb the feelings because I don’t know how to live with them.

Once 3/1/2021 - 10:59 pm

I think there’s not enough self awareness in this world, but in some cases, it’s a double edged sword.

ungrateful_bastard 3/2/2021 - 3:40 am

At least you aren’t numbing the pain with botox

ungrateful_bastard 3/2/2021 - 3:33 pm

Some go so crazy, every time they dive, their tits hit the water like beach balls – *PAHP*
Imagine curbstomping Joan Rivers –
*PAHP*

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/3/2021 - 5:23 pm

My truth: walking forward. Nothing gets better, it just gwyd different. Sometimes it is all in the framing.

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/3/2021 - 5:24 pm

My truth: walking forward. Nothing gets better, it just gets different. Sometimes it is all in the framing.

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