I feel like as I age everything I do (my interests, social interactions, studying) is just half assed and empty. The only emotions that feel real to me anymore are sadness and nostalgia for parts of my life that had any meaning. Whenever I study, I just feel stupid or doubtful of the interest I once had in the subject. University pales in comparison to the times I used to have in college. I can’t live like this, nothing I do has meaning and I worry that I’ll spend the rest of my life in this limbo of work, sadness and reminiscence. In all honesty, the only time I feel alive is on drugs since my brain’s too flooded with serotonin to comprehend anything outside the lens of blissful ignorance. I pretty much count down the days until the next bomb of MD (I won’t do it more than 3 times a year out of fear of it losing its effects.) Then I come down suddenly and sleep from the exhaustion of being completely jubilant for the past 2 hours. Then I wake up and try and justify that my life’s worth living regardless of sobriety. Whereas deep down I know I’m not really ever going to be that happy again, I’m just gradually forgetting what it felt like until whatever this is becomes the only feeling I know. Everything I used to love is getting ruined. Honestly, I think I may just end up spiralling into harder and more frequent drug use until it takes over, gradually becoming a craving so powerful that suicide sounds preferable to being sober. I want to live, I don’t want to survive convincing myself that it’ll get better until I end up on my death bed realising it never does. I’m not close enough to family to reach out for help, my mum would beat the shit out of me and disown me if she ever found out I’d done anything other than drink. And I don’t trust my dad enough to open up with him (wouldn’t matter even if I did since I don’t see him enough to really know him.) Even to them, everything I say is fake. I’ve only ever opened up to someone I’m romantically involved with. I struggle to do it now since its blown up in my face enough times to make me wary. I love my girlfriend but she doesn’t have the same lifestyle as me nor do I think that worrying her about my issues would do anything to help her onw anxiety. She caught me self harming once and I think I may opened up whilst drunk. She panicked and cried both times (not out of anger or blame, she just cares too much to handle it) so now I don’t really think its an option. I struggle to open up with friends and when I do its usually whilst drunk or high and is immediately followed by guilt and regret and I don’t know why. I see no way out anymore.