There are things I should probably be doing, in order to live a better life. To be a bit less miserable. But I don’t know how to bring myself to actually do them. To be less bad as a person. Because it requires confronting reality. And reality fills me with despair. It requires acknowledging the things that I’ve done, and the worse things that I want to do, and how fucked up it all is. And the fact that I will never be able to connect with another person because of that.
And recognizing all that makes me want to curl up in a ball and die. It makes me want to erase all of existence. To destroy everything. Because what meaning is there in that kind of existence? I’m so completely, totally alone. Not just in the present, but for as long as I’m alive. I will never be able to let anyone else in.
So why bother trying to be a better person? When I’ll always have to hold my true self back?
How do you motivate yourself to try and make things a little less bad? When inside you know that no matter what you do, it will never make things ok? That you will always be alone. The despair is so deep, and there’s no way out. It drains all my energy. I don’t know how to live with it, but the only alternative is death, and I’m too scared of death to kill myself.
The only way I will ever have anyone in my life is through lying to them. And lying only makes you feel more alone. It eliminates any real connection. So it’s pointless.
So I will always be alone. And I don’t know how to be ok with that. That kind of life seems pretty pointless to me. Nothing seems interesting enough to make it worth living.
But I still need to find some way to motivate myself to be a little bit less bad, through all of the despair. Rather than just turning to my worst instincts for a kind of desperate pain relief.