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Mind Dump

by J Doe

Been a while since I’ve been here. Just haven’t felt like I’ve needed this place for a bit. But occasionally I just need to dump out the contents of my head. I’ve just been feeling real numb lately. Not sad or angry, just hollow. I’ve been keeping up with school work and I’ve actually been doing things at a reasonable pace. I’m still busy during the week, but I haven’t been overwhelmed by procrastinating on assignments. I’ve been trying to jog lately, but getting the motivation to do it is a pain. I was also doing full body exercises with dumbbells as well, but haven’t done any in like 3 weeks. Lately I’ve started drinking. I told myself that I would never start because a lot of family members have had alcoholism issues and I never wanted to be like them, but after a while I just wanted to see what the big deal was. The thing is I don’t drink enough to get drunk or even really buzzed. I drink 1, maybe 2 beers in like an afternoon. At first I hated the taste and needed to mix it with lemonade to even get through 1. But now I think I’m getting a taste for it. I don’t have a specific brand or drink yet, I’ve only tried like 2 different kinds. I would like to find one with a citrusy or lemony taste. Shock Top is the one I have in my fridge now and is the one that I’m getting a taste for. I thought it would be more citrusy, but it’s not really. I haven’t talked to her since December, on my birthday (coincidence, she didn’t even know it was my birthday and I didn’t say anything because I was afraid I’d make her feel guilty for not knowing). We haven’t talked consistently for like a year. I think about her a lot and the whole situation. I playback the facts in my head on loop and it always comes back to the conclusion that she just doesn’t care about me the way I care about her. I mean it’s not her fault. She has a lot of things going on and it’s not like she does this because she hates me. She just doesn’t have enough room in her life right now, even for a friend. The thing is, I know the second she ever calls, I’ll drop everything just to hear her voice. I have so many mixed feelings about it all. I think I’m good for a few months. I’ll be back here in like May.

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8 comments

blue_dude15 3/4/2021 - 12:36 am

Ah, feeling hollow sucks. I hate it when that happens.
Make sure to be careful with the drinking though. It can give you all sorts of health problems and it can use up a lot of money to keep buying alcohol. I`m sure you already know that, but just be careful

TheOpenRoad 3/4/2021 - 4:34 am

Agree with blue dude. substances don’t help, just drain your cash, and that’ll make you feel shittier.

I don’t know a cure for hollowness. But whoever ‘she’ is, sounds like you want to talk to her. A big flag for depression is low self-esteem. So consider this, maybe she’s not as uninterested as your brain is telling you she is. Reach out maybe.

Peace out. Hope you don’t need to return in May.

elleInWi 3/4/2021 - 9:42 am

Im sorry that you feel like nothing is going right. Friends dont always have to constantly talk. Its those times u meet up after a long time of silence but u talk as if there was never any distance, that makes u know the connection is still there. If youre not a fan of the drink dont push it. And by the sounds of it, i dont think alcoholism will ever be an issue for u. Dont get so lost in your head, keep yourself busy and persevere through that procrastination. I believe in you and u got this! 🙂

system 3/4/2021 - 1:29 pm

stop drinking. this is coming from an alcoholic. the beer turns into wine turns into vodka.

J Doe 3/4/2021 - 2:54 pm

You’re probably right. I have enough poor habits.

system 3/4/2021 - 4:03 pm

I promise you your body is going to thank you. The first week of sobriety is the hardest. Once you lose track of how long you’ve been sober, that’s a good sign.

J Doe 3/4/2021 - 4:23 pm

I guess so. Like I said, I’ve just started and have never even been drunk. I drink 1 for dinner and just kind of leave it at that.

JudgeMeNot 3/4/2021 - 9:18 pm

How can you “Dump” something that is “Hollow?”

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