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self-destructive

by system

i continue to find myself in the same spot, trying to fight the impulse.  the impulse to cut, to hit, to burn, to bruise- to destroy this vessel.  this vessel that reminds me that i am nothing, that i will never amount to anything.  i am useless.  i am never the first choice.  i am pitied.  i am a puppet.  i am alive so that my suffering may entertain those who induce it.  i am worthless.  i will never be worth anybody’s love.  i will never be enough.  i am nothing and i will always be nothing.

i am defined by my pain and i have lost all parts of myself that render me a “person”

i am a servant to the abuse

i have given up on trying to find someone who will stay, who will not inflict pain, who will not physically and emotionally enslave me.

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4 comments

lifeissuffering 3/29/2021 - 2:39 am

Yeah. I’m use to cutting myself because it feels better when I hurt myself than when others hurt me.

Jhecev 3/29/2021 - 10:13 am

Don’t give up on finding someone
I sometimes want to but I know there’s people like me out there cause it’s just obvious

system 3/29/2021 - 3:04 pm

I find plenty of people. it’s just that none of them are safe, none of them are here to love me, only to torture me.

blue_dude15 3/29/2021 - 8:38 pm

Its awful to be emotionally abused, and as you already know, it leaves emotional scars.
I don’t think of you as worthless, useless or someone to pity. I reckon you are goddamn strong for making it this far even though you went and still go through so much sh*t. Even though you’re tired, you’re still here.
As improbable as it may seem right now, I ‘m sure you’ll find someone who’ll love you and genuinely want the best for you one day. It might take months, years maybe, but you will find someone. I believe in you. I know I can’t erase all that abuse you went through and the scars, I just want you to know you are appreciated here on this website.

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