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Still without a plan (Not seeking one from anyone here)

by ivygradhc

This is an update to a posting I did in October and I am now finalizing my decision..  I’ve added my reasons at the end…

I do make an effort to follow my therapist’s advise and use methods I have learned to steer my mind away from the dark thoughts which have plagued me for the last 45 years.  Sometimes this works and I can get myself on a positive track but it is not a stable track.    Too many of the triggers I have for dark thoughts are around me and I am unable to control that.   I have limited my access to news feeds and am careful what I read on social media, but there are too many things out there.   Our country and world seem to be sinking,  My work which I normally love is getting to me, my health is not great, and I am not communicating with my wife well at all.   Because of the COVID and her work she and I are living apart and I have been unable to tell her how I feel.    All in all I do not seem to be able to control anything.   Again my therapists advise to get a perspective on it is good.   Deal with the things I can, and accept the things I can.   Sounds familiar because it is the jist of the serenity prayer.    The problem is I am losing the wisdom to figure out which is which.

I am almost 60 and feel obsolete in all regards.    I do not want to make a big statement and say help me or get attention.   I just want to disappear from it all.  Is that too much to desire.     What has saved me from taking this further in the past is not having a plan.     When I do have a plan I want it to be a “sure thing” and it has to be painless and not have any moment of last few seconds of terror/fear (jumping of a building will not do).  I’ve wanted it to be a way that I can hopefully just go to sleep.      Well,  I have thought through that now and have something that should work, but it will take a few days to get it all into place obtaining the right supplies (No I am not going to share it for obvious reasons)  I do wonder if I start the process that I should try one more time to not do this.  In the past I have found myself calling my therapist or going to the ER when I was in process of putting my plan in action.   My question to me is am I at that place now.

Well, My wife has just given me the news that she does not want to continue our marriage.     I’m not feeling like This is the big one, and I should do something for attention which I want, but not in that way which I consider manipulative (I grew up with a parent that threatened suicide from when I was 9 or so…)  Again, the desire to disappear seems to be the strongest it has ever been and I remain alive because  I cannot formulate a viable plan. (Part of me now wants to research more to see If I can find a plan that will work the way I want it to work.    I cannot handle any significant pain unless it it is a split second and it’s over.  I  no longer own firearms so nothing I can do there.  I do not want to do anything that could remotely endanger anyone else, nor can I do anything where the last minute fear will last more than a split second.   I am an expert at what will not work for me I guess.     I do want that sure thing now..   Please do not make suggestions as I  will follow the rules of this site.   I just want to get a chime in on my feelings.   Am I right, am I selfish?   Hearing that “Things get better” will not work as this is my third time ending a relationship and I just cannot go through that again.   I do not want the pain for myself, but I do not want to give any pain whatsoever to my wife.

Well,  enough of my ranting.   I do welcome some feedback…



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TheOpenRoad 4/11/2021 - 2:40 am

I’m sorry about your wife. Relationships ending can be tough. But you’re complete in yourself. You don’t need another person. Why kill yourself because of how they made you feel? Why give them that importance? You’re okay. You will be okay, because you’re a complete person all by yourself.

I hope you feel better. I’m sorry again.

blue_dude15 4/11/2021 - 5:45 am

Hey, I’m sorry you have to go through all that. It really fucking sucks, and you deserve better. I’m not going to give you that “it will get better” stuff, because I know from experience that doesn’t always help. No-one is a mind reader, and I can’t tell if things will get better or worse for you.
I’m sorry about your wife, it must really hurt. I can’t speak from experience or give you advice on how to help you with that because I’ve been single my so far for my whole life.
But please don’t end your life just yet. Please. Try to take it one day at a time, I find things less intimidating that way.
Good on you for talking to your therapist about some of the stuff.
I really hope stuff gets better for you

ivygradhc 4/11/2021 - 10:57 am

This wish to disappear has been with me since I was 10. I remember because I had just started middle school. It has been with me in varying degrees since. If things were good it was semi dormant (there has not been a day since that I have not thought about disappearing) but I could bat it away no problem. Other times like I feel today it is too strong for me to ignore and I have to fight myself not to pursue it..

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