it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, if you saw my last post; I’m still in love with him 🙂
i’m not drinking much anymore, had to move back into my dads because of it. I guess it’s good I’m not drinking but i miss it, a lot. I never thought I’d miss the burn of alcohol, being drunk and not feeling anything; or feeling everything and spend the whole night crying. It’s a bad place to be in and i know i shouldn’t want it but for some strange reason i wish i was there again, drinking every night for god knows what reason. Even though i felt shit, it was so addicting. I’d rather feel shit drunk than shit sober. I just want to ruin this shitty excuse for a life that i’m living, i have no one besides family but for some reason thats enough to stop me from killing myself. I’m thankful for them although, i feel bad and i know its horrible but i can’t help but wish i had a bad relationship with them that way they wouldn’t be stopping me from ending this stupid life of mine.
It’s sad honestly my life isn’t that bad, so i don’t know why i hate it so much. Why do i hate myself and my life when i have it so much better than other people. My situation could be so much worse, am i really that much of an ungrateful *****? I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life. I have the opportunities to make something good out of it but i just can’t, all i can do is sit in bed and feel sorry for myself. I have no plans, no job, no car. I’m fucking failing and i can’t bring myself to do anything about it and I dont even know why.
I’d love to change my life and live successfully and happily, but is that even true, do i really even what that? Am i just lying to myself? If i did i’m sure I’d muster up whatever it takes to change myself instead of just letting everything pass by me. I might really be good for nothing and i will just waste my whole life away lying to myself. Whats the point in lying about it. Either way I’m failing.
I don’t know what to do.
Maybe i will never be able to change because deep down I don’t even want to, no matter how much i try convince myself and others i want a good life, maybe i don’t.