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I feel caged in

by Robert77

I feel like Im in a prison and I can’t get out. Im broken and just want to disappear but I can’t even find the strength to do that right now. I have to get away from my ex ASAP or she will eventually come over here and who knows what phase her bipolar will be. It could be good, bad or ugly. Right now good would be the worst because she would be able to control and manipulate me into giving her yet another chance to hurt me. Bad would be her screaming and yelling at me and ugly would be her smashing my car windows out with a bat (yes she has done this). I can’t win with her. I want to get in my car and just drive but I hate driving now due to commuting so much that I need someone to go on some adventure with me and Im not sure who I could find at this point. Its like everybody in the world of the normals is living in fear and locking themselves at home. How ironic. Im really finding it hard to find a reason to live at this point and no one can give me a reason except for my kids and family. I don’t want to sleep and I don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to live and I don’t want to die. Life is so full of contradictions. All I ever asked for in this friken life was to be loved and I am not a bad person and have always loved with all my heart and I never got it in return for most of the time. WTF? Im fortunate financially but it doesn’t make me feel any better like I thought it would when I was younger. It does nothing for me but I try to be thankful just the same. Maybe I need another cat because my baby died a few years ago and I really loved that cat. I cried for weeks and it was during the time my friken ex divorced me. I have feral cats but they are like my ex in they want food from me but won’t give me any affection in return. I hate my life.

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4 comments

system 4/13/2021 - 4:29 pm

We who love too hard often find ourselves in relationships where our counterpart loves too little

Robert77 4/13/2021 - 5:04 pm

Its true because they don’t seem to have the pain we do. Its like she is not aware of the pain she has caused me thru the years. I could never do that to someone. I realize life isn’t fair but when you are born being sensitive in a cold cruel world you end up where we are.

Jhecev 4/13/2021 - 11:51 pm

What’s up my fellow inmate

Robert77 4/14/2021 - 12:07 am

Soundgarden
“Fell On Black Days”

Whatsoever I’ve feared has come to light
And whatsoever I’ve fought off became my life

Just when every day seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I’m doing time
Now I’m doing time

‘Cause I fell on black days
I’ve fell on black days

Whomsoever I’ve cured
I’ve sickened now
And whomsoever I’ve cradled
I’ve put you down

I’m a search light soul they say
But I can’t see it in the night
I’m only faking when I get it right
When I get it right

‘Cause I fell on black days
I fell on black days

How would I know
That this could be my fate
How would I know
That this could be my fate

So what you wanted to see good has made you blind
And what you wanted to be yours has made it mine

So don’t you lock up something
That you wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No not tying
No not tying

I sure don’t mind a change
I sure don’t mind a change
Yeah, I sure don’t mind
I sure don’t mind a change
I sure don’t mind a change

But I fell on black days
I fell on black days

How would I know
That this could be my fate

How would I know
That this could be my fate

How would I know
That this could be my fate

How would I know
That this could be my fate

I sure don’t mind the change

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