I feel caged in

I feel like Im in a prison and I can’t get out. Im broken and just want to disappear but I can’t even find the strength to do that right now. I have to get away from my ex ASAP or she will eventually come over here and who knows what phase her bipolar will be. It could be good, bad or ugly. Right now good would be the worst because she would be able to control and manipulate me into giving her yet another chance to hurt me. Bad would be her screaming and yelling at me and ugly would be her smashing my car windows out with a bat (yes she has done this). I can’t win with her. I want to get in my car and just drive but I hate driving now due to commuting so much that I need someone to go on some adventure with me and Im not sure who I could find at this point. Its like everybody in the world of the normals is living in fear and locking themselves at home. How ironic. Im really finding it hard to find a reason to live at this point and no one can give me a reason except for my kids and family. I don’t want to sleep and I don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to live and I don’t want to die. Life is so full of contradictions. All I ever asked for in this friken life was to be loved and I am not a bad person and have always loved with all my heart and I never got it in return for most of the time. WTF? Im fortunate financially but it doesn’t make me feel any better like I thought it would when I was younger. It does nothing for me but I try to be thankful just the same. Maybe I need another cat because my baby died a few years ago and I really loved that cat. I cried for weeks and it was during the time my friken ex divorced me. I have feral cats but they are like my ex in they want food from me but won’t give me any affection in return. I hate my life.