I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager. I was always able to talk myself out of it. I never really made an actual plan. I always kind of dreamed about way’s I’d do it, but they were always violent and I knew I wouldn’t go through with it.
This is dumb but I actually joined the army hoping I’d get the opportunity to do it without my family knowing it was suicide.
I made a mistake while I was in and I think it’s about to bite me in the ass. I would lose everything. I don’t think I’d be able to look myself in the mirror, let alone sleep. I wouldn’t be able to look my wife or family in the face once everything is gone. So today, I decided that it was finally time.
It felt so good to make a plan. An actual plan I can follow through on, not some generic plan where I’ll chicken out at the last minute. No a real plan. I’ve had these miserable thoughts and feelings forever. I actually felt like I was taking steps to free myself from misery. It’s like there is a problem that just wouldn’t go away no matter what I tried and today I saw the light.
I started writing letters and getting my will worked out, and it just felt amazing. I wrote how I actually feel. I wrote that I’m like a dog in pain that needs to be put down. Which is true. I asked that they don’t wallow in my death and that they celebrate my freedom from pain. I just need to be set free from this miserable existence.
Anyways, I just wanted to share my experience. I finally have a way to escape and I just can’t express how good it feels.
2 comments
Hey there. I can relate, it really does feel good to write down/come up with a plan. But please, please don’t do it. You’ve made it so far, and that takes effort even if you’re tired of fighting.
I can appreciate where you are coming from really I can but many of us lost our wives and kids as I have and its the kind of pain that pushes you over the edge on top of the darkness of depression. My son is in alcohol rehab at 26 and my daughter is a closet drunk with two kids and she hides her alcoholism well. My son is suicidal and his mother is a bipolar force of destruction that has ripped my heart out over and over for many years. Im completely broken but I still hold on for my son and daughter. I would love to show up at my ex’s and blow my brains out in front of her but I restrain myself. If your wife and kids love you then please hold on for them and do your best to make it thru this.