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I think I might be okay, but I’m really fucking angry.

by LeaveMeAlone.

I was thinking today about something while I was outside walking my dog. I was getting really angry, mainly at my parents, like I usually do, and I was thinking like, why the fuck do they want to control me I don’t want them to control me I am my own fucking person but at the same time like, they always give me correct advice, so just to be fucking petty I do the exact opposite of what they tell me to do so that’s probably why I’ve been feeling like shit. But eh, I’ve realized now that if I stop giving a fuck about my parents then I do the same shit they tell me to do spontaneously just because I have to fucking take care of myself and I’m tired of being fucking petty, I’m seeing the consequences of the shit I’ve done now, in the way that literally everyone in my house acts now. My youngest brother, who’s like 6 fucking years old, wants to be like me for some reason, so he’s saying shit like he can’t trust my parents and he’s mad at them, they are annoying, he hates school, everything is a fucking pain in the ass, shit like that, just because I’ve been saying that shit and he looks up to me. I don’t want my brother to be like me so I’m gonna fucking get my shit together mostly for myself but for him too, my dog too. I mean, I’ve only really fucking cared about animals and children for some reason. Everybody else just seems so caught up in their own shit that they can’t be bothered, so children are cool because they are curious about everything and I like seeing the way that they experience shit, that fucking innocence they have is really precious to me, but I know that there’s not really any point in protecting anyone’s innocence because they will just lose it anyway. And animals are really like. I mean, this is just for me really, but when I was a kid, I was bullied at school, bullied by my older brother when I got home, I was forced to work by my parents, and my father beat me up if I didn’t work and if I cried he would yell at me and beat me more and tell me to act like a man. So my only friend when I was a kid was my cat. Other people think that it’s weird that I care so much about pets, but no fucking person has ever treated me well so I don’t get why I shouldn’t. Anyway, I’m really angry at pretty much everyone right now except for myself and a few other people, I’m not really not mad at myself though, I’m mad at the part of myself that is petty and wants to be a fucking depressed retard just doing fucking nothing and not wanting to feel any better for no other reason than to piss off his parents, that shit pisses me off. Whenever I feel sad, my dog is the only one that is there for me. I think my dog is probably the reason I didn’t kill myself, not my ex girlfriend that I can barely even remember for some reason. Maybe I’m just fucking disassociating right now and I’ll be the same person I usually am in like a few seconds or minutes or hours or days or weeks but who gives a fuck really, I am me and I’m angry at the other parts of myself because they have had too much power over me and it ruined literally everything I worked for. Fucking asshole. I’m an asshole too, but at least I respect myself. I guess one of the reasons that that other part of myself tortured me so much is because I wanted him to do it. For some reason, I felt like I was making someone else feel depressed to the point of being suicidal and that made me feel really good because I’m a fucking sadistic sociopath. I didn’t choose to be this way so don’t judge me. Man, I fucking told my girlfriend at the beginning of our relationship that I was a sociopath and I would probably end up hurting her feelings, but she for some reason was cool with it. Man. I mean sure, I missed out on some shit too, but I feel like she was stupid. Maybe I’m even more stupid, but I don’t want to feel like that, I just want to get over this fucking depression that’s the only thing I care about. I’m angry. That’s it. Man, I just realized how little I care about other people. There’s definitely something wrong with me man, I shouldn’t laugh at my own pain, or other people’s pain either. Why am I like this, I don’t get it. I get a guilty conscience for having fun in the only way I ever knew. Sure, there are other ways to have fun than laughing at other people’s pain, but man, there’s just nothing that feels that good to me. Maybe I’m not depressed anymore. If I’m able to laugh at shit like this. Maybe I was never depressed in the first place. I don’t fucking know what is wrong with me, but it’s a pretty big fucking issue because nothing I do ever works out because whenever I succeed with fucking anything some other part of me just has to jump out and ruin it for me, I literally haven’t been around for over a year and a half. I don’t even have any friends to talk to, this website is literally the only social interaction I get outside my family and random people I meet outside, and my therapist. Fucking hell man. What happened to me? This isn’t okay man.

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3angelsmom 4/8/2021 - 7:21 pm

I hope you understand what a great relationship with you could have with your little brother. Take all your energy and focus on him and your dog, maybe even cousling. It could all help you! It did me! My dog is my life and the reason im alive today. I put everything i have into her.

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