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losing my interest in recovery

by heartlessviking

I came up for air for a bit today. That is to say I sobered up for the first time in a few days. As sober as I get anymore, which I suspect is still in the refractory period for the intoxicants I use. I lasted about six hours…. found enough to do that I felt relatively productive to the point I didn’t have to run from the void.

Now I’m running again, and plan to run for a bit longer yet. I want to know what the pitch is for someone at my stage to sober up; oh no, throwing your life away? What life? I’m as dead sober as I am high, but high at least makes me less irritable about my dull lifeless form. If I ever reach the point NEARING addiction I’m going to take extensive time off, possibly forever. I’m very career suicidal lately; there’s no point, it doesn’t bring particularly good money. Despite my warmth and comfort, I’d rather be homeless than this.

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system 4/13/2021 - 7:30 pm

The pitch is that you will feel better long term. I’ve been sober (was an alcoholic) since late November and it’s made a huge difference. The biggest difference is that after you lose track of how long you’ve been sober, you don’t feel as shitty as you used to.

thebends 4/13/2021 - 8:36 pm

This post speaks a lot to me. After being a bottle-a-day alcoholic for too long, I decided to get sober. It’s hard as hell for the first 3 months I’d say. The thoughts you mention keep coming back hard “I’m as dead sober as I am high, but high at least makes me less irritable about my dull lifeless form”

The thing is, that’s the alcohol talking. The truth is, ask anyone who has gotten clean for 6 months or more, that once your body kicks the dependence you don’t feel as dead when you’re sober. Your quality of life improves enormously. Depression and misery still hang around, especially if they are caused by specific problems in your life, but that deep pit of emptiness is not nearly as bad. I would say give it a full 6 months before you can make an objective decision which is better, sobriety or intoxication. I know that’s a tall order, but this is your life we’re talking about. 6 months shouldn’t be that much to invest, regarding an experiment that could make the difference between life and death.

heartlessviking 4/13/2021 - 9:00 pm

fair points all around. It should be noted I was sober for a good long time prior to my current indefinite bender. I held on tight to sobriety, like it was something worth saving. This past month has been my first descent into intoxication to escape from my pain in ten years. Doubtless I will sober up, eventually it will be remotely attractive or intoxication miserable enough that I seek to get away

One of the things I’ve been coming to terms with is that a large amount of people need/require mind bending chemicals to work. I’m just special in that as long as I keep my useage to a specific level I don’t “qualify” as an addict. We just went through mid year treatment plan renewal, and my state requires that it cover substance abuse potential, and it’s more than I ever use.

It’s more than I want to use, obviously. It just seems a rather unpleasant choice; sobriety and the non stop frustration that scared me off of that unpleasant state, or moderate intoxication and EITHER I am not perceptibly different, or people prefer the other such that they don’t comment. Not happy news in either regard, but there isn’t much input into what decisions we get, just that we get to choose. Small liberties such as they are, I treasure them all the more for their scarcity.

thebends 4/14/2021 - 1:38 pm

Wow, what you said below REALLY speaks to me: “there is no help out there for the problems I actually have; ambition and an overly active mind”

That plus the chemical dependence, I really get it. We push minds too hard, like a workout junkie who exercises to the point of physical injury, so it makes sense that we need “medicine” to help us deal with the damage. Like you said, there is no specialized help for this type of person. All the help out there is directed at people who are chemically addicted, but where’s the help for people who rationally choose to drown in chemicals as a counterweight to their insanely high level of activity?

Doctors love to preach “lower your stress”. Right, that’s like saying “don’t be so ambitious.” Some of us don’t have a choice. We are programmed to push ourselves harder than what’s normal. It’s a recipe for success, but as history shows it’s also a recipe for alcohol abuse, drug abuse and often suicide.

Well, is it “better to burn out than fade away”?

Hate to admit, I think yes it is. Like you, I can’t stay sober for too long. But at least I’ve gotten off alcohol which I think messes with your brain long term. Currently experimenting with various pills for that one-shot release. Idk, maybe there’s no difference between that and addiction, it’s just that we’re not addicted to any 1 particular chemical. We’re addicted to escaping.

But like you said, it feels different. So much of society is popping the same pill 3x a day at meals, as scheduled by their doctor. Whereas we can go a few days sober, then blast ourselves to the moon for a few days, repeat with something else. Maybe we’re all screwed. But if you figure out how to regulate everything and keep it in balance, you’re a better man than I am.

heartlessviking 4/13/2021 - 9:03 pm

also, here’s another thing; there is no help out there for the problems I actually have; ambition and an overly active mind. There is extensive help for addicts, like my God, it’s incentivized as hell. Who would be sober, with the amount of accomodation society has for the addict?

Robert77 4/13/2021 - 9:26 pm

I know my son is in Alcohol treatment for the second time and ex wife went 4 times. I just went to AA for a while and about destroyed my life 20 years ago when I quit drinking. Truth is I just substituted it for weed up until a year ago. Now I take valiums. Oh well.

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