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not sure I even want to get better anymore

by heartlessviking

Right, so I’m a little toasted, a little buzzed, so it is possible that things seem like good ideas when they aren’t.

Three months into this major depressive episode, and I’ve reached the point that the part of my mind which adapted to pull me out is trying to do that. Getting those sort of hopeful thoughts that in the past I would have taken at face value. No more, it’s not getting away that easy. I only ever trusted others assuming that they could be decent, and that delusion is hard for me to go back to.

Some of the things I do are reminders for myself to come back later and realize; not doing well, objectively or in my own mind. I’m staying mostly high almost every day I can get away with it. This is a first for me, in my 30s I’m trying a technique that is much more common in teens and twenties. The issue, well for one I don’t want to become an addict. Treatment of addicts is awful, and then you have to take stuff that you used to have fun with is now off limits. No thanks to that. Supposedly I’m intended to be scared off by the damage it does to my body. Life damages the body, intoxicants merely limit your awareness of it.

See, the part I’m fighting right now is the opportunistic part of my personality, this is the thought;

This isn’t that bad, you get more input into your schedule and work than you ever have before, and the meaning or lack thereof is liberating such that you can walk when you want. You’d be hard pressed to find better.

The problem with that is that it’s bullshit. It’s a solid line of complacency because things could be worse. Things could always be worse, that’s the nature of decline.  I don’t want to sit in the pot til it boils thinking “well at least they aren’t eating me yet.” (lobster metaphor, I’m big on metaphors.) So, to follow the metaphor, I either need to find an escape route for myself and my closely related lobsters, or I need to liberate all the lobsters. I definitely would love to do that, liberate the species, but what can you do when the species doesn’t want liberation? It is the heart of egoism to believe I better know what people need than they do. Also, I don’t know how obsessive the chef will be in trying to find myself and fam, so that escape could be a door to another cage. Rubber bands on my claws, I must be delicious when I’m frustrated, because that is the state I’m kept in.


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pa47385 4/7/2021 - 8:23 pm

whether lobsters should be liberated against their will, whether it makes sense, or why, or how, is a subproblem. knowing ways to liberate lobsters is already progress. sometimes all that is needed is an instance of confluence.

pa47385 4/7/2021 - 9:29 pm

constance of influence could also work? yeah. this is what my stupid subconsciousness does when i’m not paying attention. 🙄

system 4/7/2021 - 10:29 pm

the thing about the liberation of lobsters is that there is something higher in the food chain (aka humans) than them inflicting the pain, and humans are aware of the fact that they are actively torturing the poor creatures until their body gives out. Their dark fate could easily be changed by not boiling the lobsters alive, choosing not to eat them in the first place, etc. Lobsters don’t have a nervous system that goes into shock during extreme pain. Humans do. We go into shock to prevent us from suffering unbearable (physical) pain. Since lobsters don’t have that, they feel -everything-. Every second, every minute. They feel all of it. The same applies to crabs. could easily be changed by not boiling the lobsters alive, choosing not to eat them in the first place.

To our knowledge, there is no (tangible, visible, scientifically proven) higher power that yanks our strings and gets off on our pain. If it were that way, perhaps we would feel like we have the ability to escape, because we know there is a way of life that doesn’t feel like we are being boiled alive, one where that sadistic god-like figure can’t touch us.

system 4/7/2021 - 10:30 pm

yes I am aware that I know too much about lobster biology

lobsters are rad.

heartlessviking 4/8/2021 - 10:57 am

Oh not a higher power or anything as supernatural as that; people sign off on the suffering of others. We have the resources to end hunger worldwide. we could house 100% of all humans, and get healthcare to them. It would be CHEAPER than what we do now. We do not. Why? I think it’s because of the horrible conception that out of pain grows character. That’s not how it works, character is a choice, or taught at best.

My personal pain has taught me that the very rich and powerful are asleep, and any means including starvation in full sight of food is appropriate given the rules of engagement that have been used against my community.

pa47385 4/8/2021 - 1:02 pm

lobsters enter osmotic shock and asphyxiate as soon as they are trown into a vessel of chlorinated deoxygenated water of wrong salinity and temperature.

can i relate to this? to being immersed in a liquid that gives me pain all over my body and screws up all my tissues? not really.
could i ever understand what that pain feels like? i doubt it.

but i know it’s wrong. and when i see it, it breaks my heart.
i don’t need to be a lobster to understand the consequences of human actions.

and maybe you do need a break. maybe you need a break from ever even thinking about lobsters at all. and one day, when you learn the fragility and beauty of life, and learn to enjoy it, you will be there to save the lobsters.

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