Routine Drain

My last mind drain was a month ago. I said I might not need this place until May, but I just needed another round of draining out my skull. Lately I’ve been really feeling it. The weight of it. That feeling you get when you know something is going to go wrong but you don’t know what it is. It’s like a feeling at the base of your stomach. You carry it around all day, and it just sits there. I haven’t been on medication for a few months now. I don’t want medication. I’ve gone on and off and on and off pills for so long now. I just want to stop pretending that I’m trying and not even bother with it. My dad was on me about it when he came to visit. I got mad and told him that my problems are my problems and his are his. I remember he said something similar to that when we were coming home from one of my therapy sessions in High School. I want to be miserable and I want to be miserable alone. So this is the last month or so of this semester. Honestly this is the first semester in a while where I really put in elbow grease. I stayed on top of my assignments, did things early, and somewhat paid attention to like the one class I actually cared about. The others I just crammed earlier than I normally would when a test came around. I don’t know if I’ll get better grades because of it, but at least I can say that I tried. I haven’t heard from any of the companies I applied for. Only two had the decency to send me a rejection email about my application. The others didn’t even bother. There’s nothing special about me so it’s no surprise that I ended up with nothing. It’s actually impressive how unimpressive I am. I do have a job lined up though. It isn’t an engineering internship, but it is with a manufacturing company. I’ll be working on the production line at $9 an hour. Honestly that’s probably where I belong. I say that, but I’ll probably find a way to screw that up too. I haven’t tried talking to anyone lately. I have completely holed myself up in my apartment. I mean everyone is doing that what with the pandemic, but I haven’t talked to anyone on discord or the phone. I’ve been feeling even more empty if that’s possible.
Still haven’t heard from here. It’s going on 4 months in like two weeks. Wonder how long it will go on for. 6 months? A year? Forever? The thing is I know I’ve heard that friends don’t need to talk all the time and what ever, but the thing is with her I never know when I’ll talk to her last. Maybe something happened to her and I’ll never know. Maybe she’s actively trying to stay away from me because she just got fed up. Maybe she just plain forgot about me. Who knows? I’ve thought about it and I don’t even know what I’d even do if I’d ever happen to see her. She’s a stranger. I don’t even know if what I feel for her is friendship or romantic feelings or what? How could I feel anything? I don’t know, but I know I think about her on a near constant basis. Say that I did manager to be a constant in her life. That we manage to get to a place where we talk regularly and I know about how thing are going with her and she knows how things are going with me and all that. What would I even do? I want to make her happy and have her see in me a person who can make her feel comfortable and safe. I want to be a person that she could come to with her problems and I could make things even a tiny bit better. But how could I? I barely know how to keep myself going. I don’t know how to handle my own problems and my own sadness and my own anxieties. How can I be that type of person for her, when her troubles are so much bigger than mine? I don’t even know why I feel anything or how I could feel anything. I think she doesn’t need me. I think I’m just a footnote to her, and I just have to learn how to deal with that.
I’ve drained out my skull enough. I think I’m good. But then again I always manage to end up back here.