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Two Different Directions

by J Doe

My panic attack (?) subsided after a day. I still feel awful, but that warped feeling in my head’s calmed down a bit. I’m about to have a horrible week ahead of me. The week after that doesn’t seem like it will be much better. The last month of the semester is always hell. And of course it’s the last month of the semester where my depression really starts to suffocate me, so that doesn’t help. Both are so unbelievably linked together, so I always dread this month. Right now I’m being pulled into two different directions. On the one hand that feeling of hopelessness and suffocation tells me there’s no point in bothering with anything. I’m a failure and I have to accept that, so why bother moving forward. On the other hand my anxiety and desperation to want to be better than I am is pushing me forward. I’m so scared of failure, even though that’s all I am. So I keep going and keep grinding away at the problems. I can’t fully commit to either direction. I haven’t just stopped every thing and resign myself to dropping out, but I still don’t put all my effort in and try to hide away when things get tough. It’s like I’m a doll and these two different thoughts are toddlers pulling at my arms. I’m just curious when the seams are going to pop.

Of course I’m also going to talk about my situation with her because I just can’t help myself and move on. In a week, it will be four months since I’ve talked to her. From time to time I think about it, but that feeling is starting to become numb. After all, I have other things to worry about. Of course it hurts a bit when I think about her, but I just have to focus on a different pain for the moment. The only real worrying thing is that from time to time I see her active on Discord. At least this is how I know she is ok. But she hasn’t really been on in like a week or so, so my paranoia is starting to set in. The last thing I want is for her to be sick or in trouble. I think the scariest thing I can think of if she finally couldn’t handle her situation and just decided to end it all. Of course I can’t judge her or be upset if she does chose that, but it especially hurts to think about since I would never know. Even if she choses to completely cut me out of her life, I hope for more than anything in the world that she’s ok. That’s all I really want.

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blue_dude15 4/12/2021 - 3:48 am

Hi there, panic attacks are awful. I’ve had two so far in my life and I hate them so much. You can still feel shaken up a day or two later.
I can relate to the part about your fear of failure, and not wanting to try because you feel its hopeless. It must feel so overwhelming, but good on you for still trying. That takes effort, even if its just your anxiety driving you forward.
It really sucks that you don’t know if she’s ok or not. I’m in a similar situation; an online friend of mine has stopped answering me, and I don’t know if its because she doesn’t like me anymore, or if she’s not receiving my messages or if something happened. That feeling of not knowing is the worst, I’m sorry you have to go through that. Our situations aren’t the same, they’re very different, but I can relate. I hope she’s alright and that stuff will get better for you

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