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disgusting

by system

i am ruined.  i am disgusting.  i am used.  i am repulsive.  i am unclean.  i am filthy.  i am tainted.

disgusting.

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16 comments

Sbilko 6/7/2021 - 7:20 am

You are whole, you are beautiful, you are worthy, you are attractive, you are clean, you are pure, you are untarnished, amazing and beautiful, attractive and pleasant, a nice person and a desirable company, sooo worthy and wonderful, I wish I could show you these things so you could see as well, yet how do I hold a mirror for you, where could be found a mirror of such great value 🙂

system 6/7/2021 - 12:19 pm

“I wish I could show you these things so you could see as well, yet how do I hold a mirror for you, where could be found a mirror of such great value”

this is horrifyingly similar to the things my abuser said to me

I know you mean well but in the future please avoid idolizing me like this

heartlessviking 6/7/2021 - 12:15 pm

It’s all about framing. I definitely get feeling used up, unwanted. Someone out there sees you differently, and there is a place where you can just exist. Not that I’m there, but getting closer by the day.

system 6/7/2021 - 12:48 pm

I hope I can get there someday, I hope you can too.

darkwillow 6/7/2021 - 12:34 pm

I know you have a horrible history but it isnt fair to compare everything someone tells you to some abuser you had in the past. The emotions behind this user were compassionate and caring. But you just ignore all of that because everything in existence makes you think of this 1 person.

darkwillow 6/7/2021 - 12:35 pm

*supposed to be a reply on sbilko’s comment

system 6/7/2021 - 12:47 pm

I honestly was polite about asking them to avoid using that type of speech with me in the future.
I do not “ignore” the emotions behind the user. I acknowledged that I knew they meant well.

I live in constant fear of him finding me again. I need to have my guard up at all times. So if something is nearly identical to the things he said to me, I’m going to point it out. In the event that he HAS found me, it ensures that he knows that I know.

I don’t appreciate that you feel the need to condescendingly criticize something that is a direct result of severe trauma.

Thanks.

Sbilko 6/7/2021 - 2:44 pm

Hi, don’t worry, I’m ok. It’s okay, sorry if my words were similar to his (i’m not him, I’m some guy living in Spain, you can check my posts). I wish you all the best and to have a great day! ^^,

system 6/7/2021 - 3:32 pm

thank you for the reassurance c:
it actually calmed me down quite a bit

thehusk 6/7/2021 - 3:21 pm

It sucks that you feel that way about yourself. I’m sure you know rationally that bad things done to you don’t dictate who and what you are. Perhaps in the eyes of the judgemental, but not to anyone reasonable. But the feelings are there, even if you don’t deserve them, and it sucks. It does seem like some people regain their self-esteem in time, with a lot of help, and a lot of work.

system 6/7/2021 - 3:34 pm

thank you. I agree, time is one of the biggest healers in these kinds of situations.

kb103 6/7/2021 - 5:17 pm

so to get context on this post i just went through your other posts to get a more informed opinion, what happened to you in the past was horrible, but you are not what was done to you, everything that has happened to you in terms of these feelings is a reflection of the abuser not you.

kb103 6/7/2021 - 5:20 pm

a while back you said this “i functioned today. I sat at my desk instead of sitting in my bed. I drank more water than usual. I brushed my hair. I’ll probably write more later when I have the time to focus on my feelings.” this shows that there is the ability to do better on some days, and if it’s possible on some days then eventually there will come a time where you’ll be able to fully function everyday.

system 6/7/2021 - 9:16 pm

this is encouraging. thank you for your kind words.

blue_dude15 6/8/2021 - 2:36 am

Hi there, its been a while since you’ve posted!
I really relate to the self-hate you have for yourself, and I wish I could give you a hug. You deserve so much better than what your abuser treated you like. You are a pretty cool person, trust me on that. Maybe this is unrelated, but the advice you gave me on my posts were always wise or encouraging. I don’t know if I’ve ever thanked you for that, so I guess I am now. Thank you for existing.
Sorry if that sounds cheesy lol, but I really mean it. I hope you’ll feel a bit better soon.

system 6/8/2021 - 8:41 pm

i am glad to hear my words have been helpful
you’ve also been very helpful

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