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I can’t believe how old I am now. 37. My suicidal thoughts started when I was 8. My life was hard and abusive. It’s not like that now but I had already died inside a long ago and I just keep inhabiting this shell.
I was smart enough not to bring a child. I’d probably would have been an absent mother with occasional outbursts of disproportionate rage and pass this poison on to my future generation.
I wouldn’t advise everyone who has a bad day or a few rough weeks even, to do it but
If your life is objectively horrible
If the meds don’t work
Treatment doesn’t help
If you start realizing that every round of self haterad you get weaker and exhausted and you’re just in so much pain it’s unbearable
If you know that you have been absolutely consistent with this for years
and you’re still relatively young – trust me – your pain will never cease. Your courage might. False hope might arise and dilute you from the right deed
but
from the perspective of this wornedout woman – I just wish that I had went through with it all the way the first time, back when I was 16. Even when I was 22 or 24 or 27…
Don’t drag it longer than necessary.
You will never fully recover and the deeper you are in the sh!t pile the smaller are the chances for you to ever be normal or fully functional or without that endless constant hole in the middle of your chest.
Just do it. My existence is long overdue and I regret my cowardice every day.

8 comments
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8 comments

rywa 6/2/2021 - 8:31 pm

I am 38 and also had an abusive childhood. I’ve had significant mental health issues since I was 12.

But your advice is not good. People should explore every possibility to try to fix themselves. I believe most people can get better, though there are undoubtedly many of us that never do – and have therefor suffered needlessly.

PPPP3 6/3/2021 - 2:14 am

Dear LivinGhost, I get it. 2 thoughts I need to share with you: 1) Cowardice? No way. To get through each day w/how you’re feeling + your background shows great strength. 2) 37? What I would give to go back 20 years- That’s actually when my severe traumas began. I’m 59. I get you are exhausted but I promise, a lot, actually unbelievable amount can change in 20 years. For me now it’s too late, but you have so much time to live, change and maybe even love life. I did 21 years ago (Had Joy + Peace). Lost it, but u have plenty of time for positive changes.. Please give it a chance. 37 is so young. Take care.

PPPP3 6/3/2021 - 2:38 am

Thanks for post about getting better- I hope LivinGhost listens to you. Because you both are so young and have so much more life to experience. I wish I had that opportunity. I once had a really good life. But after past 20 years of mostly hellish nightmares, now being 59 with med problems- most recent added to my emotional life from hell, 3 years ago was metastatic breast cancer. In summary, I’m too old + too sick to have hope anymore. Only a miracle could fix my life…
But you 2 have so much time left for change + really fulfilling lives. I hope you can + do.

Rainwatch 6/3/2021 - 5:06 am

This post is like a page from my diary if I kept one. You’re absolutely correct the meds and treatments don’t work, the longer you delay the worse it gets, but the most serious issue is the false hope you allude to in this post, if you’re suicidal you naturally cling to false hope as a coping mechanism but when , not if but when the false hope turns to dust as it most certainly will you go back to square one and realize you should of went through it with it earlier. In my own case I deferred my suicide because I examined it emotionally and fell in to the classic trap that things will get better, if I had of examined it logically I would of realised I was correct and the only option was suicide all along.

LoneSoul 6/3/2021 - 5:17 am

I’m 23 and my current situation is also this. I be Pretending to think nothing could go wrong. But it always backfires on me. When I wake up move around. I try and find things really tofill this emptiness inside. It’s like a clam with no pearl inside. I try many different things to myself. But can’t seem to know why… This happens. Sigh…

niki 6/3/2021 - 7:45 am

I am ashamed to even say this: My life actually has not been really that bad, I think. I come from the middle-class family, financially, so at least I’m not that poor. In fact, I’m probably spoiled & privileged. But that’s actually another life’s irony & tragedy. Long story short, I’m severely depressed & also suicidal (I think of death/suicide everyday now). I’m almost 40 years old, and idk if I’m right or wrong (I don’t know anything anymore), but I can see my life is going down & getting worse from time to time (even when I’ve actually already tried). So I’m really afraid if I keep continue living, the reality will only get so much worse, for such a failure/loser like myself. So idk, maybe I should really do it, like you’ve said.

dick1984 6/4/2021 - 7:23 am

I am 37 too and i can fully relate to your post. i feel exactly the same. can we talk? my email is: dick@deds.nl hope to hear from you. i have that same hole in my breast you described.

dick1984 6/4/2021 - 5:26 pm

i feel exactly the same as you describe in your post. can we talk? you can reach me at: dick at deds dot nl Remove the spaces and replace at and dot with the known symbols.

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