So had a bad panic attack last week that turned out to actually be a small heart attack. Been bleeding out both ends for a while now. Blood pressure is fucked, gi tract is screwed up and everything hurts like hell digesting. Now my body is as screwy as my head. lul. Genuinely glad at least someone is doing alright though. Needed me my ass.
Bright side, making progress on the thing I’ve been working on as far as a future career goes. Seen some great progress in it lately. Whee
Don’t mind me just talking to myself here before going back to isolation
5 comments
You’re not talking to yourself. Even if you get no replies, people like me do read posts here. Though I’m not here that often.
I think people should leave a response even if it’s as simple as “I hear you” I think the feedback could be helpful.
Sometimes there isn’t time to reply….or people might not know what to say.
Hope you can get some medical help and feel better. I wish you well.
There isn’t a lot keeping me going but it is sufficient for now. Just so you’re aware you’re not alone in your situation.
Irl I have a problem of talking out loud and having conversations with myself coming from just an almost complete lack of social interaction or contact with other people with only a few not so great exceptions. This is kind of the same thing. Saying it out loud or typing on here, other people can read it or hear it, but it’s just me talking to the demons in my head and to myself. It’s all I have really had here for someone to talk to that actually ends well. Appreciate that you replied though.
I understand where you’re coming from. If you’ve read any of my past posts, sometimes I could seem ‘above it all’ but in fact I’m struggling in the dirt just like everyone else here.
I think everyone talks to themselves in our absent-minded silly moments….but I understand how loneliness can also drive us to do such things. We’re social animals…we need human interaction. If we don’t get it, then we act out in odd ways.
In high school when I was feeling very low about myself, though I had friends/family, I still felt pretty lonely inside and on a few rare occasions I’d blurt out some things in class.
Prior to that I used to be a bit of a class clown and was known for making jokes, so they might’ve thought I was still trying to be funny. But I think I was in a lot of pain and perhaps I was trying to act outwardly ‘normal.’
Anyways, something unrelated happened, I had a run-in with someone I previously thought was a friend but later realized was he really my enemy. Fortunately our interaction fizzled out, but after that I kept my thoughts to myself. In fact I’m very glad I had that run-in, it shook me back into reality.
You know the silly stories they teach kids about ‘believing in yourself’ in cartoons and tv shows, essentially having a sense of self-worth. All of that stuff is completely true. When I realized I got the short end of the stick in life…being in a lower-income family, along with many other foibles and shortcomings, I really, really despised myself and my life….and my parents for putting me here. I was feeling dead inside.
The trouble was that I just carried it too far-if I was smarter, I would’ve kept those feelings to myself, but I lived as how I felt without much of a filter and people notice these things. Your reputation gets destroyed, girls don’t want to date you because you got low self-esteem, etc. The funny thing is that I was doing it to myself, I was my own worst enemy.
While there were some people who gave me some trouble-the real problem was me. Anyways, once I stopped feeling sorry for myself and realized what a dumbazz I’ve been, I sucked it up, kept a straight face, worked on rebuilding my self-esteem and things improved from there, though I still was not happy with my life.
I got a bit carried away talking about myself-I meant to give you some advice. What I’d really recommend is that you join groups where you’re socializing with people. Even if they’ll never be your friend, it will satisfy you need to speak to people and make you feel more normal again.
You could even get a job in a field where you communicate with others like a call center or teaching. Then you’ll feel like your contributing as well.
Of course we all need close relations in our lives, people who know you and care for you….but that’s harder to come by, esp. as adults.
While I have my close circle of friends/family that fulfills my social needs, I did try a few times to reach out to others (co-workers primarily), to expand my group, but I realize very few people really want to bring new people into their lives. So I didn’t pursue it after an initial (subtle) attempt.
Another way to do it is through meeting/dating sites. There are others in your situation….people also looking for a friend. So you can make new contacts that way. At least they’ll be more honest and upfront.
No problem glad to help….it also makes me feel good contribute positively to other people’s lives.
Here it was more being threatened and punished regularly for just about anything besides being quiet. It became a trigger for panic attacks and dissociation. Not sure it matters. My ssc and other stuff are being held hostage by two fucking manipulative pos sociopaths. Was my fault, made really stupid decisions that led up to that happening, but sticking myself out there just to go blank over and over again hoping to work through social issues feels like the least of worries atm. Someone important to me said something along the lines that they didn’t think I had a future, at least that’s how it felt to me. Right now I’m just trying to prove that I had at least some kind of worth to myself, don’t think I care what happens after. Can bleed out, heart attack, or whatever after.
No one is born with a manual to life I guess. Don’t know what would’ve been smart till you do later on unf. Obviously you’re still in the thick of it but think that’s pretty awesome what you’ve managed to do there. No small accomplishment where you’ve gotten so far.
Sounds like you’re in some kind of S&M relationship and are being treated horribly. To state the obvious, you should do whatever you can to get out of it…it’s no good to you mentally or physically.
I’ve tried my best to avoid making bad decisions but usually that’s clear in hindsight, sometimes you don’t even see it coming. But once you know you’ve effed up, then it’s a matter of getting out of the hole and not get trapped again.
The future is what you decide you want it to be-you’re not predestined to fail. So don’t let the words of anyone impact you into inaction.
Some so-called ‘friends’ have said things to me that stuck in my head, but if they were toxic people, I got rid of them. I’d rather be alone than to have enemies in my life pretending to be my friend while they were undermining me.
Thanks, ya I’ve come a long way since that low point-though there’s been a lot of ups and downs in my life. However I believe I can make a significant improvement by becoming self-employed.
The trouble is that I have a terrible sleep cycle (partly due to my current job also) and I’m still trying to get that under control….once I do and if I play my cards right, I’ll do very well for myself and then I can really live the life I’ve always wanted.
I hope you’re able to improve your situation as well.