I think I’ll probably do it tonight.

I’m not depressed. I’ve always been fascinated by death and bored by life. Even when I was a kid. I was taught to be christian, but it always seemed so boring to me, I never had any dreams of being a fireman or a police or a doctor or anything, my dream as a 5 year old was to be an old, lonely alcoholic that hated the world as much as he hated himself. I was seven years old the first time I wanted to kill myself. I was eleven years old when I started to think that I really didn’t fit in anywhere, that I would always be seen as weird or creepy by everyone around me. I don’t want anyone to help me, in fact people that want to help me are the ones that I hate the most because they seem to think like there is some hope for me. That I will not always be an outsider that can’t fully connect with anyone. That I will somehow turn my life around. Right now, I’m 17 years old, I spent most of my time lying in bed because I don’t have the energy to get up. Apart from that I usually just listen to music or play video games. I quit school a long time ago, but my parents are forcing me to apply to one anyway. As if anything would change in the next two months. Everyone else has hopes for me, but I really can’t see a way out. I’m 17 years old, I have no skills, I dropped out of high school because I couldn’t handle the pressure, I don’t have any friends that I care about, I have never cared about anyone actually. My whole life, I’ve felt distant from everyone around me, so I dedicated myself to studying so I coukd impress the adults around me, but even though I tried so hard to be perfect in just one way, I failed at the only thing I’ve ever been good at. My therapist keeps telling me that I’m moving forward and that I’ve taken so many steps since the first time we talked but I really don’t think there is any way out for me. I’m done, I don’t want to keep being me anymore. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else, but it’s just because I hate myself and everyone else too. I mean sometimes I just want to feel something that isn’t just bitterness, hate, or anger. I don’t feel lonely. I don’t feel sad. I just feel bitter and tired and I don’t want to deal with myself anymore, I wouldn’t want anyone else to deal with me either, I know myself enough to know that there’s no way anyone could like me, that’s why I’m so mad at everyone. Why can’t they see the obvious? Why does everyone else hope that I’ll get better when I’ve already given up? Why does everyone keep telling me that I’m going to get better when I have no goals, no dreams, no ambition, nothing that keeps me going. Nothing that makes me feel alive. I really don’t understand… But it’s time for me to go, I think. Tonight I’ll try to do it. I’ll try to kill myself. And if I don’t… It’s not like anything will get better anyway.