Hate my life TW// self harm

I never thought I would make it past 22 and yet here I am. I had thoughts when I was in middle school and I would cut myself. of course, my parents saw but they didn’t know what self-harming is. high school and college were okay for me but when covid-19 hit it really messed me up. I felt like I was in the same place in middle school: helpless, hopeless, no friends, and now I’m also unemployed. I hate that whenever someone does not write me, tell me that cannot stay, or takes longer to answer a text message or answer me shortly… always think that is because of an adverse feeling towards me
I hate my life because it is empty
I hate my life for not having friends
I hate my life because everyone underestimates me
I hate when someone gives me lessons, and I tell me what I have to do
I hate when I don’t know how to answer the people who kill my self-confidence
I hate my life for not having money so that I can become independent
I hate not either having the courage to make it(money)
I hate my life when I look in the mirror and do not like what I see
I hate my life when I see how other people have the life that I want
I hate my life for not knowing how to organize myself financially or in my things.

And I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to be in this situation because I really thought things were getting decent. I had someone to talk to on my college campus so when everything close I saw myself lose one of my resources. and now my parents lost their jobs as well and it’s scary. my parents who couldn’t hold a job, and now I feel like sabotaging my own success. my parent who believed they were unintelligent, and now I feel this way toward myself. I really planned my whole life and the epidemic (and quite honestly the lack of preparation from WHO and CDC) just destroyed everything I was looking forward to. It even took away my graduation.

But every feeling I felt and dealt with as a kid is back and it hurts because no one was there to comfort me and tell me everything is okay. And it’s sad because I feel like again no one is there to comfort me even as an adult-ish. I even thought about hurting myself again…