I always seem to find my way back here. It’s been almost a year. These days, the bad days have slowly become more frequent, the notion of just not being here has slowly become more appealing to me. So I’m back to share my thoughts, and seek comfort from those who understand the pain that no one else seems to be able to comprehend. I know I can make it through the small blips, I’ve done it multiple times before. It’s the storm that I’m afraid of. When the bad days outnumber the good, and getting out of bed becomes something I have to do, not something I want to. When eating seems like the worst idea in the world, and the weight slowly slides off until I become skin and bone, again. When I can’t differentiate pain from sadness from happiness from simply being numb. When it feels like no one is on my side anymore, and it would be easier for everyone if I was just gone. That is what I know I can’t survive again, and I am trying to hold myself together, but some days my will is just not there. Some days I just can’t fathom doing this anymore. I can’t justify being alive to myself, so how do I overcome that? Why am I here if I don’t want to be? Who would miss me if I was gone? Will the good days eventually disappear altogether, and leave me with no hope? Will I finally succumb to the temptation? Will anyone even care enough to try and save me?
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2 comments
I’m entirely sure that a large amount of when I die is something I have input in. When a person gets old enough, will is all that holds them together. I spent quite a bit of time with my grandparents before their deaths. They went when they were ready, and not a day sooner.
Just do the best you can with what you got. Don’t worry about external standards or judgements, they are made by people with no clue what this struggle is like. There are two silver linings;
1; you will die, sooner or later, this has been the outcome for all of humanity thus far.
2; There’s a sort of respect that others start to act with when you are out of desire to please others, out of fucks to give basicly.
We’re all waiting for death, sometimes with more eagerness, and others with dread.
im sorry things are getting worse, thats how life is. but hey if you have a 50-50 balance of good days to bad then thats still something, right? im down to 1 good day every 2 weeks, when i treat myself to some nice drugs, thats a ratio of like 10-90. i guess my point is we should try to stick around until its truly 0-100 or no good days at all. thats when its time.