Once, a couple (who knew of my condition) asked me: “What made you like this? What is it that you fear so badly?”
“Is it pain?”
“Is it death?”
“Must be pain, right? Because you can’t deal with it so that triggered your ‘problem’, right?” What, suddenly depression is the new equivalent of the F word?
“Must be death, right? Because you’re afraid of dying, so you get depressed, right?”
No, it isn’t Pain. Although the fear intensifies our emotional pain.
No, it isn’t death. If anything, people who have the same thoughts as I do right now, Death is a release.
What I fear most is losing (and subsequently, spiralling out of) control and the uncertainty that comes with it.
“No. I don’t think you fear losing control or uncertainty. You just fear pain and death.”
“Yeah, you’re just afraid of dying so you gave yourself depression.”
“Yeah. Why do you make yourself this way? Stop filling your head with such things. Think positive thoughts!”
“What? Suicidal thoughts? Oh please… You think teaching is hard? Come work at my office. You wouldn’t survive a day here.” Did I ever say I was on a race with you to see who have it worse at work? Did I ever undermine you or the difficulties you face in your profession?
You asked me what caused me all this pain. You said you are here to offer me support. When I finally trust you enough to tell you about my traumatic past, the pain from all the abuses and subsequently the depression and despair, this is what I get for trusting you.
Thank you for invalidating all the trauma, deep fear and despair I’ve been experiencing so far. After all, it only took me all the courage I could muster and extreme trust in you to disclose my condition, all the while fearing how you’ll react to this. Really comforting to know I have such awesome support system around me.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get away from people like you before I really lose it.