first revealing of my disastrous life

D1,

My life is a disaster, at least in my point of view.

I think about suicide, although I know I’m not capable of doing it. ‘What if I killed myself right now?’ I think.
Would someone even care? Some of them would, but it would heal very fast. I commonly try to ignore that.

Firstly, I want to say something that made me happy today: finding this website. My life has been so devastating and anxious, and that’s not even the worst part! The worst is that I don’t trust anyone completely to tell them my problems and thoughts. I’m going to give it a try and use this page to talk about what I feel and think without feeling judged because I can’t go out a single time without these voices inside my head spreading negativity.

I find myself lucky for having such caring parents. They shout at me sometimes, but I know they’re just trying for me to socialize more. I know my family is worried, but staying home and having a stressful and sad life became so normalized that It’s impossible to change it.

I feel so boring sometimes, maybe that’s why I’m always the first one who sends the message.
Furthermore, I look at my sisters’ phones and there are plenty of messages, while mine are just notifications of silly games I have installed.

I envy them. Not only that, but I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I knew how to change myself to a brighter person instead of being boring and ‘depressed’ like some people call me as a ‘joke’.