I want it to be over

Im a 22 year old guy whos incredibly lonlely. I’ve somewhat lost my mother to a terminal illness that caused my dad to leave when i was 14. None the less ive had a few relationships in between but one of them ended up cheating on me and the other was a cocaine addict. None the less i am sad,, alone and want to kill myself. Ive been suicidal for years and years but couldn’t leave my mom like my dad did. Now that her illness is closing in on her and things are getting shorter, i feel less of an obligation to stay alive. I thought I was overweight, so i got myself to 7.4% body fat and had a completely shredded 6 pack, didnt help. I know 4 sepetate languages, doesn’t help. I can cook and cuisine you name, doesnt help. I believe i am destined to be sad and alone. I want more than anything for a woman to hold me and tell me she loves me. I would give the entirety of what I own to hear that. I have a “do it” date in mind, but I’m scared as it’s getting close. Im done feeling this way. I love you Nikky, if push comes to shove, I apologize. And if you read this, I love you and always will. Please leave him, he’s not good for you. 

Thank you for reading this and please keep pushing on. You’ve got this.