Feeling like a burden distorted everything in my life. I couldn’t read facial expressions, it felt like everyone was glaring at me. And back then I lost someone close to me. I felt like it was my fault, way more dramatic than it really should’ve been,(I found my dad’s body) and I had a plan to kill myself. I couldn’t read the faces in a crowd, A smile in public felt like it was a bad one. I can’t explain…. And I stopped talking to close family, and mourned them “not wanting me to be around”
it’s been years since I’ve talked to anyone in my family except my mom. My family, some of them, kind of dumped me as a failure. I processed that harshly too. My siblings are warm hearted but even then, I thought they despised my presence. It was so real. I haven’t talked to them in years. I was delusional completely. I really thought I was doing them a favor.
That left serious gaps, the depression did. And I was so quiet about it. It felt normal. Then I met a friend in college, and he was a big narcissist, but I saw him as an accessory in a sense. We had a conversation about suicide and ended up offering 1000 to help me end my life with a car in a garage. He accepted, and I astonished at first, but not really. There’s a sort of “I deserve this” that comes with depression where the worst things are normal, I can’t explain it. But now, here I am. I don’t know my family anymore. I feel like I still want to do it, you know? Have an exit, because ai’m done with this big face in the sky, feeling like a burden, like the world is colder than it really is bc I’m not around anyone anymore. I’m a victim of domestic violence. She’d strangle herself in front of me and tell me I’d watch. It’s hard, she used to take this clunky metal heater and pull the cord as hard as she could until she passed out. And I’d be screaming and pulling it off of her. It isn’t fair, you know. But she’s not living here anymore. I finally did something and took a step, unfortunately she went to jail, but all the self harm she’d angrily do left scars I can’t pull out of. She’d beat herself and hang in front of me. Like multiple times a day. It hurt. Unimaginably. Maybe I’m healing, or maybe I’m stuck here in this theater of bullshit. So I’m going to develop an exit plan. It’s been too long. Maybe I shouldn’t I feel like I owe it to live up to something but what future? This? Mental illness and comparisons? It’s not fair. Maybe I’m not ready yet. Weird having that as a plan b. I don’t know