If my loved ones read this;

I had been clean for 3 years… then for about 3 months.

and i am self-harming again.

i am high, sad, frustrated, and just overwhelmed with other mixed emotions.

i just need to share my story with someone who doesn’t know who i am.

here’s my story;

When I was 12, my mother abandoned my family and I. My parents had complications in their relationship that just cannot be fixed. Instead of a divorce, my mother chose to run away from the problem. My family and I all handled the situation in our own ways. I sought attention and praise, I lacked that and that was all I ever wanted. I said and have done so many stupid things just to get the attention I wanted.

I remember my dad coming into my room to discuss the topic of my mother. Right he was about to leave my room, my mother called. My dad saw the caller ID and told me to answer it right in front of him and to put the phone on speaker, and so I did.

My mother was crying when I picked up, I think she was crying because she was happy. Happy that her daughter answered her call after what she’s done. I was happy too, I was so happy. I missed my momma so much. I missed her hugs, her kisses, her loud laugh, her voice, and her shoulder whenever I needed to cry. I just missed my momma.

My father ruined the call. My father was disappointed and told me to repeat the things he’d whisper to me.

“You left me like a dog.”

Once I told her those words, I can just hear her gasp and just start crying even harder.

“Please don’t say that my love. I wanted to take you, you know I would’ve. Your dad wouldn’t let me. He’d call the police if I did.”

My mother constantly apologized once I stopped speaking. She kept going up until I could say something to her, but my dad shook his head

“Tell her that you hate what she’s done to you and to never call you again.”

And so I did.

“Okay baby. I won’t call you okay? But once you’re ready to talk to me, I’ll be right here. Take all the time you need. I love you so much. Bye.”

As she was saying whatever she needed to say to me, her voice started shaking and was trying to regulate her breathing. I broke the heart of the one who carried me for 9 months. The one who fed me. The one who bathed me. The one to stayed up on those sick nights. The one who held my hand as we crossed those busy streets.

Then we ended the phone call. I don’t remember if my dad said anything to me before he left my room. I was too busy crying and wanting my momma. I just remembered crying the rest of the night and waking up close to the afternoon. I don’t remember if it was a school night or a weekend, I just remember not being able to sleep.

I would say this was right when I started self-harming.