Hope…ful/less?

Even when the world is cold, I still want to find the heart not to be.   -LIT (jjolee)

It’s been a while since I’ve written here, and every time I remember this place I come and reread posts that I only have as drafts, I remember how passionate I wrote them with pain and crying while at it.

Tho this time is different, and still think life is worthless and I want to die, I now don’t actively look for death, I dunno if it’s because I’ve come to terms that I’m not brave enough to commit suicide or because I’ve grown as a person, I want to believe the latest.

But I want to tell you, and I don’t know if someone will read it, but for anyone who comes across this, that even though life is/seems worthless, why don’t you give it a try doing everything you want, even if just getting up from bed, I know how impossible it seems when in the deepest hole of depression one is, I am still there but not caring enough? I mean, we are already here, and we cannot really do anything about it, ofc suicide but living every day as if it’s the last.

I say all of this carefree, and I know that there are a lot of circumstances as people in the world, but if we are willing to “selfishly” kill ourselves why not live selfishly even for just a day?

Just random thoughts I’m having in the middle of the night, and I really understand how hurt people are, because we are complex systems, and every person is unique, and to be hurt is a combination of various cumulative factors through time.

Ugghh, what I’m trying to say, is live your pain to the fullest, don’t try to deny it or appease it, you’re already hurting so why not change the though of “I want this to end this instant” to “I will feel it just how it comes till it’s over without resistance”

I feel I didn’t make sense but I really wanted this to give someone a little hope? To show compassion in a compassionless world is difficult but I’m trying.

And if it doesn’t give anyone hope, at least I hope that it will give myself hope in the future when I reread my posts.