my dad’s suicide

my dad died on 16/5/21
everyday i think of him. there is not a single day where i forget about him/. my dad had killed himself. i miss him bro, i remember driving in the car with him, blasting pitbull or elton john on full volume, speeding down little countryside roads. this man has been a role model to me, my entire life. i feel so guilty for his death. the day before he had died, (my parents were divorced) he had called me 6 FUCKING TIMES… and i ignored every single one of them because he was an alcoholic, and i was afraid of picking up because last time i did he was drunk and crying. the last conversation i had with him, he told me to tell my mum that he will always love her. i feel awful, i never told her that he told me that. i guess im afraid. anyways, now i just dont want to raise my future kids without a grandfather figure. i dont want to have to get married without my dad there. life is unfair, i dont know why he would leave me. i mean, did he even consider how his suicide would effect me?.