I believe in the Biblical God. I’m just upset about the fact I’ve been brought into existence atall .I feel incompatible with it. I find this life insufferable but its not due to my current circumstance I have a job,family and friends but im still unhappy. I think its my childhood that ruined the will to live bit honestly but im tired of dredging up trauma i just don’t think its worth the hassle? Like what would i be healing for? To have a house some kids and a 9-5? Or maybe to travel the world? Make art or something. Sounds awful. Helping people could be an option but i dont like the idea of that too much either. I know im complaining alot but thats the point .i have many complaints. If you dont like that please skip to the end to answer my qus or scroll passed.
The next life seems good but because of how this life has gone i feel bad about being let into heaven (yes i beleive im going there because of my faith in Jesus dont @ me) I think the only thing i like the idea of is having the chance to look at my maker one day ,maybe even say something ,but thts made difficult by so much red tape. And even then that ideas soured. I’d rather be erased instead.
I’m desiring oblivion , no past ,future or present to frustrate me or to guilt me either, just nothing ,the erasure of me! That means i avoid the messiness of dieing too and the responisbility of hurt feelings form my dieing . Does any other born again believer feel this way? I guess I’m wondering what isit making people want to live another day genuinely? Why do you think humans should live and not die ? Isit a sense of duty? Maybe exciting plans? Isit certain people in your life? Maybe its just natural instinct?
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Our lives are like blank canvases that we have been gifted. We don’t have to do anything with it if we don’t want to. But some people want things. A house, a career, physical fitness, sex with attractive people, wealth, etc. And the people who truly want things work tirelessly to obtain those things, often sacrificing things like TV, the internet, time, money…whatever it takes to get to where they want to be.
People who choose to create something tend to be happier. But we always have the choice to just relax and keep things the way that they are.
You can’t appreciate anything built if you don’t master your thoughts, though. The way you think. What you tell yourself.
What makes people want to do things in life? For most people it’s desire, compounded with the idea that time is ticking and limited.
I guess i’d wonder what happens when they get the thjng they were hoping for? Do you then have to pick a new desire , maybe it happens automatically when your thinking is correct. I know mine isnt good , and i think im afraid of the effort it would take to sort it out, im so tired already, i guess im just lazy haha. Life being a gift is something i hear alot , i believe it is a gift actually,or its meant to be , just not for me .
Thankyou for your response btw .
I feel and think much as you do. I believe much as you do. My existence was forced. I have gained some measure of peace of mind but I do not consider myself out of the woods. I type slow but can bat ideas back and forth, if you like. I believe in the Biblical God and I have many many complaints about my life on earth, and life on earth. Most days I try to do the calculus of balancing the pain I still have (though much less than it was) and my value to others and God as a living mortal. You could say I had two childhoods (in a sense) and both where horid. Happy to exchange ideas, thoughts, feelings, with you if you like. I can complain a lot and hear complaints a lot.
Thankyou for responding.How did your pain reduce to a measure you can manage? Its defo reduced for me but not to a manageable amount . A big issue i think is also self reliance aswell ,if im honest im not sure i trust God very much, my trust ends at my salvation but in terms of the rest of my life im noticing how doubting i am .
Maybe that causes the bulk of the agony ,distrusting the one in charge of my destiny no matter what they do to earn my trust .I know we were given life not to cause us harm, and that the Bible says heavens glory wont even compare to the suffering we endure here , but then i wonder who asked me if i wanted that glory in the first place? .
I’m constantly on edge. And then i wonder if im supposed to be relaxed here atall maybe rest is for the next life and this one is supposed to be all toil and trouble. Which makes me despair even more haha .
The Holy Spirit is supposed to be my guide but i cant ease up long enough for that to happen . You know? All in all ,i feel like i have too much freedom and also, none atall .
And slow writing is okay .everything moves too fast these days anyway.
Pain was reduced to manageable using multiple approaches. I will touch on them one by one . Please let me say these are worked out over some time.
I have three supplements daily for mental health. Safe, effective, low cost. It helps to have the body as free of pain and misfunction as it can be. I have four supplements daily for physical health. Safe, effective, low cost. I have five supplements daily as preventives for the above. Safe, hopefully effective, low cost. An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure goes the old saying.
A wonderful therapist. It took me 8 tries to find her. She employs EMDR. It has been gold in her capable hands. She also introduced me to essential oils. Safe, often effective, way cheaper than drugs.
I hate hate hate what happened to me, what doctors did to me, on account of my condition at birth. The body remembers. Of course my memory of such things is oh so sketchy, brought out only in therapy, but I did the research and concluded I was tortured to life. Once out of the hospital the two monsters named on my birth certificate took over.
For sure, I believe, nobody asked us if we wanted to be here. We are the result of one or two consensual beings who may, or may not, have been prepared for us. Also, or instead, we may have inherited some awful condition of mind or body. But I believe we were also created and not in vain. Mentally I can not reconcile people being born into misery, living in misery for much or even all their lives, but destined for absolutely awesome living conditions. But I see the former and believe the latter.
The short answer to your question is yes, I feel forced to exist as well. Like you, I believe in the biblical God and in Jesus Christ yet I’m suicidal daily. At almost 58 I feel I’ve missed my calling, whatever that might have been. I beg God to take me home to heaven early. This planet is not fit to live in if you ask me. And I’m beyond sick and tired of living with treatment resistive major depression and complex PTSD. I know suicide is never God’s will but at the same time I believe it is a forgivable sin. So I’m stuck in this terrible dilemma. I have one failed attempt from earlier this year and I fear failing again. My elderly mother and pets are what’s keeping me alive at this point. After decades of living alone the lonliness is finally really getting to me.
I can relate at least to the desiring oblivion more than an afterlife. I’m an agnostic lately, not because of my doubt or faith in God or Jesus…. but because of the wacky ideas some people have about them… oblivion is preferable to living eternally with a being that is somehow okay with how this life is going. Also, if God gets his/her/their knickers in a twist over rational doubt, we aren’t going to get along.
My jailors are the people I love, the people I can’t bring myself to hurt in the way my death would hurt them. It’s made worse by the fact that the three people closest to me would provide me with ample financial reward when they go to the great beyond, whatever it is. So sometimes I find myself wishing them dead, because that amount of finance would mean living the life that I want.
That being said, the expectations are incredibly low for existing. I don’t have to produce anything, be anything, achieve anything. All that pressure was coming from within, and it’s gone. I have about the same amount of purpose as my dogs, who are the only creatures I really understand.
It’s a short sentence, in the grand scheme of things. Most people die before age 90, so I’m more than a third of the way through this trudge. If me doing this allows others to do things of actual significance…. I can’t endorse that, but I can understand how they could believe the ends justify the means.
Do you find that the expectations youve gotten rid of helped or made it worse?
quite, but not for all the wrong reasons. i know deep inside i have people and friends who all do love me dearly, even if my brain spends hours and even days telling me otherwise.
this life has taught me that things come and go, even life. i’m still very young and unsure, but i know this confusion will just.. come and pass. i’ll find my own path and be comfortable. fights and arguments are unavoidable in life and that’s okay, and i might not feel okay sometimes.. but again, it all comes and goes.
my death will be a financial loss to my family if i choose to off myself right now and i will traumatize my very young cousins who love me.. my parents will be very disheartened to see me go too.. so, i will live. not for a god or something like that, but i will live for the friendships i already have and soon will have in this life and for my family. when the time comes when i think it’s time or when time comes for me, then so be it!
Correct me if im wrong , so you keep living because of the people around you. So if theyre not there then what ?
Also today is a better day than yesterday ,im starting to think i need meds honestly . Its cool how youre thinking about those around you, and how youve rationalised that the confusion will pass . I also think it might pass but i guess i get hung up on whats after that . Once it passes then what? More hustling till i die? In my head i always end up here . And the lows are getting worse when they arrive. When i assess the situation i find that im actually afraid of the places my mind goes tbh.
i know im loved too i just think theyll eventually be fine if i go . That maybe itll bring them closer even, and also i believe ill see atleast a few of them again its not an end for me. Although i kind of wish it was. Thankyou for sharing btw ,i appreciate it .
if everyone i loved had disappeared tomorrow, i think i would gradually gather the courage to off myself. i can only be alone with my thoughts for so long.. but that doesn’t mean i’ll never meet new people to keep me alive, even if it’s just a short while. there are friends yet to be made in this life and there are still things i have yet to feel. i live for the joy of my loved ones and the woes, because that is life. if i am taken one day.. whether it be by myself or with time, then it would be time. nothing i can do about that. i think of death as a long dream.. or at least a long rest. if i go, i can sleep. but i can’t dream about a new life, i can’t dream about the wonders of my friends and how they make me feel. so, i stay.