I want to be alone on new year’s eve.

I’m sitting in class right now, it’s online and I can’t focus. I’ve been trying to motivate myself for a week now, tried reading biographies, music, watching motivational movies but I move back into the same rut, I’ve even tried meditation. Nothing helps anymore, nothing takes me out of this routine. I’m a senior in school, I need to ace a bunch of exams in a few months to get into a good college but I’m way behind on my studies.
I know that I have to sit down and get cracking and to not look at the huge pile of books I have to finish but I’m tired of this.
I usually love competition, I was creative, but now I’m losing every bit of personality I have. I’ve lied most of my life, I’m part of the student council in school and have hid a phone in my underwear for a test I didn’t study for, then made up an excuse that I was sick and used it to score well in that exam. But I can’t do that with the others.
I’ve lied to people too, leading girls on and using them in a way, I hate myself for that.
Recently, one of my exes who I’ve fallen out with decided to go to the same new year’s party as my friends and I, later I found out that they made plans to go already. She’s closer to my best friends than I am. I don’t want to go anymore, I would rather stay at home and study. I think missing out on something like this will help atone for my lies to my parents.
My friends don’t care as much about me as I care for them, I want to lash out, scream at them, but I don’t want to look immature, so I’ll shut the fuck up and carry on. I’ll try to do well in my exams and move on, take a nice break to a calm place and find some nice people. Till then I’ll try to kill myself studying. I’ll update here maybe, I dunno, but I’m glad I found this place.
-Burgerpatty