It took me 8 disappointing years to get the job I have right now. 4 months into the first opportunity and I’m on the brink of suicide. The sense of failure is somewhere buried beneath an urgency to escape the job itself as soon as I can. But there is no back up plan after quitting. Having to start over again, interviewing and pretending I’m well and put together long enough to find another job is something I literally can’t image surviving. It would be my 4th time starting over in a year.
Things I did before no longer seem to be options. There is a day and place in my head. Everything seems so rational and like it’s naturally falling into place. That is comforting as nothing else has been. I’ve been around too long for so little to have gotten better.
I left my first job, for which I prepared for years, after 8 months. Second after 3 months. It’s strange because I wanted nothing more than a job to not feel worthless, to not feel like a failure. There was nothing more debilitating than fear of future. When I left my second, I was prepared to be a beggar. But really thinking about that, you know, actually visualising being a beggar, gave me a sense of calm and relief. Why, it’s a perfect career.
Well it didn’t come to that but it had given me relief when I accepted that.
I understand what you mean. I prepared myself many times to be the starving artist actually expect to starve once the savings dried up. To be able to do what I’m drawn to do with my life rather than what I have to for money, even if it means I’m not here very long is in mind a lot these days. I’m tired of hating my life without real means to change it for the better. Anyway, thank you.