Recently I’ve accepted and begun to better understand that the road to recovery has ups and downs, but relapses suck. Like, really, really suck.
I was having a terrible day. The worst one I’d had in a while, and that’s saying something. I guess I got overwhelmed with the assignment in front of me so I decided to go to the bathroom and just as I arrived, the old friends I used to do things with practically materialized out of thin air like an awful calling card.
Now, i’m a fairly neutral person. I don’t make very many friends, but I don’t make enemies either. Needless to say, leaving things on a bad note isn’t my style, so when I saw them I smiled and made small talk even though that’s the last thing I wanted to do.
I’m pretty sure they knew I was stressed, like how dogs can sense fear. It was hard to miss anyways, so eventually they offered if I wanted anything. I declined. Now you’d think that was it right? Wrong!
Somehow between second period and lunch I was back in the bathroom stall breaking my sobriety. And for what, a temporary feeling of relief? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I almost wish my friends or my parents knew so I wouldn’t be so alone, but they don’t know, and I am alone. Past the self pity and loathing though, I truly am a horrible person.
I know so, because even while I self sabotage and virtually destroy everything in my path, I can’t seem to stop.
It seems you have some level of self-awareness, which is a great asset to recovering your life, if you want it.
If you truly feel lonely, you shouldn’t torture yourself by staying silent. Tell someone, like you said–the friends and family that don’t suspect. We are only as sick as our secrets (some of you might recognize that one…)
You can do nothing about what’s already occurred, except forgive yourself. If sobriety is what you desire, don’t beat yourself up. Stand back up, and do what you were doing before to stay sober.
To say it’s self-made misery…for the most part, you’re right about that. But don’t get into the habit of saying sorry for things that aren’t your fault, either.
There’s a reason you aren’t friends anymore, why you chose to leave them behind. Remember that.
Much love, much respect
Hey it sounds like we’re going through the same thing. I’m currently dealing with a relapse also, and like you said it sucks, it really really sucks. It feels like all the progress you’ve made, all the weeks or months or years, are just erased and you’re back to the bottom. But I think it’s important to NOT think that way.
Maybe you could remind yourself that your slip was due to extreme circumstances (stress plus a bad trigger at the wrong time), and that’s not the real you. The real you is the person who’s fighting like hell to beat this, and that’s the person who will prevail.
But yeah, I totally get what you said about being alone in this. “Nobody knows, nobody cares, so what difference does it make if I fk myself up” That’s the thought that always breaks me.