Life is unbearably painful. I’m tired of feeling this way. Why am I pretending there’s a better world out there? There isn’t. I really believed in that message. The hope thing. I tried harder than ever. I felt kind of happy for a little bit. I can’t get over what happened in January. The things that were said. I’m in so much pain. And you know, I guess it’s true. I’m a loser. Garbage. This journey isn’t going anywhere. It’s going to feel like this for the rest of my life. There will never be friends. No social support. It will always be complete isolation. Reminiscing. My sister had a baby. Life goes on. It will never change. I’m okay with being cremated. I thought about it for awhile. I’m as worthless as a grain of sand. I can’t stop struggling. Nobody will visit my grave. I’ve accepted that thought too. Right now, I’m just focused on ending the agony and accepting what this illness has taken from me. How I’ve lost everyone. How I’ve been humiliated in the process. How my next exit will be painless. Comfortable at last. I never would’ve imagined that suicide would be my ending, you know? I had big dreams. I wanted to go to school and do what I liked. I wanted my family next to me, supporting me, rooting me on. I wanted to see the world. Try new things. But you know what, this is just how it is. This is how it’s going to be. Until I’m frail and old. To me, it’s okay to die this young. The future isn’t worth it. Sigh I just want to strangle myself until I pass out. I’m always crying. It feels good to have control, everything fading to black. That isn’t my exit choice. But I have a more peaceful one. I just haven’t purchased it yet. Honestly wondering if writing a note to my family is even worth it. I don’t know them anymore. I lost everyone. My mother has stage 3 kidney failure. I’m not struggling through another funeral. I can’t. Look what happened the first time. This is really it. I might send a greeting letter to an old friend but that’s it and I honestly don’t even think it’ll mean anything. I’m like a ghost, I guess. I’m okay with it, though. I’m not the only one that ended their life early knowing it couldn’t be different.
update: who wants toxic people at a funeral? Anything but that side of the family. Cremation might be more peaceful. Funerals are traumatic anyway.