It bothers me that nobody really mentions the empty part of depression. I’m talking about the times where there’s not actually anything wrong, nothing is happening but at the same time I feel so depressed it physically hurts my heart.
It’s so silly though. To think that something simple like brushing my teeth or putting on socks seems like such a daunting task. Everything feels so heavy all at once but at the same time, I can’t feel anything.
It’s embarrassing too.
I try keep it under control, but there are times where I’ll go five or more days straight without showering just because getting out of bed to be a productive member of society feels like running a cross country marathon.
Right now, I have 17 missing assignments piled up and 4 baskets of laundry that need to be folded. They’ve been sitting there for at least three weeks. My desk is cluttered, and my bed covers are un-tucked with the sheets pushed all the way down to the foot board.
Paint tubes are scattered along my floor and old coffee mugs sit empty on my desk, untouched. I have pallet knives and tools laying on the carpet haphazardly, while the things on my shelves are slowly collecting dust. But at the same time, so am I.
3 comments
Same here.
I think it’s something that gets less attention than other things… but I know about it.
it’s a daily struggle, and all I’ve been able to do is push it back a little. My desk is a mess, I have laundry that needs folding, heck I’ve got repairs that the parts are in, I just need to do them.
I guess I focus more on what I’m doing and try to forgive myself for what I’m not. Today I went to a job fair, then the grocery store. Both positive steps towards pushing back the darkness. I manage to keep one side of the sink cleared in the kitchen, and keep up with the dishes such that we never really run out of plates/forks/spoons/cooking utensils.
I take my dogs out every day and make sure they eat. I feed the cats. I keep enough mugs clean for my 4-5 cups of coffee a day. Coffee is the real magic maker in my life, minus that I don’t know how anything would get done. A cup of coffee though, and I have a desire to accomplish things. Sometimes I’ll sip coffee while I’m doing the above chores. Nicotine helps too.
if i do not have work, i rarely get out of bed. sometimes even when i do have work. then i just call in. i do not have friends so i rarely have something to do on my days off. my family is ok but they actually have lives so i do not bother them most weekends. and they don’t seem to miss me.
i have a small apt. easy to keep clean. i clean it and swear to keep it up. then a month passes. another and before i know it it is a mess. now it wil take days to clean. so i have not even attempted. i jus occasionally clean my lil bathroom. i have run out of dishes. i uses disposable. i have thrown dishes out cuz they sat too long. since i gained weight i HAVE to do laundry more often. before 2022, i had enough clothes to go 3 months without doing laundry. i have gone a week without bathing or brushing my teeth. i kinda wish i did smell or my apt did get bugs easy. then it would force me to clean.
i used to lie about what i did on my days off. now i just say nothing but read and play on the internet.” folks are all like “good for you!rest.” they don’t realize i did all that in bed. only drinking a lil water and maybe eating a sandwich. not communicating with anyone cuz no friends and my family does not miss me. phone rarely makes noise. i can have it turned off an entire weekend and not miss a text or phone call.
i claim the reason i have no pets is i do not want o pick up poop or risk the pet messing in my rented apt. that is true but really i know the poor thing would be miserable cuz i am not loving enough to get out of bed for it.
so i think the fact you can care for others is huge. pets and a family??!!!! you are doing really well in my eyes.