It bothers me that nobody really mentions the empty part of depression. I’m talking about the times where there’s not actually anything wrong, nothing is happening but at the same time I feel so depressed it physically hurts my heart.
It’s so silly though. To think that something simple like brushing my teeth or putting on socks seems like such a daunting task. Everything feels so heavy all at once but at the same time, I can’t feel anything.
It’s embarrassing too.
I try keep it under control, but there are times where I’ll go five or more days straight without showering just because getting out of bed to be a productive member of society feels like running a cross country marathon.
Right now, I have 17 missing assignments piled up and 4 baskets of laundry that need to be folded. They’ve been sitting there for at least three weeks. My desk is cluttered, and my bed covers are un-tucked with the sheets pushed all the way down to the foot board.
Paint tubes are scattered along my floor and old coffee mugs sit empty on my desk, untouched. I have pallet knives and tools laying on the carpet haphazardly, while the things on my shelves are slowly collecting dust. But at the same time, so am I.
I think it’s something that gets less attention than other things… but I know about it.
it’s a daily struggle, and all I’ve been able to do is push it back a little. My desk is a mess, I have laundry that needs folding, heck I’ve got repairs that the parts are in, I just need to do them.
I guess I focus more on what I’m doing and try to forgive myself for what I’m not. Today I went to a job fair, then the grocery store. Both positive steps towards pushing back the darkness. I manage to keep one side of the sink cleared in the kitchen, and keep up with the dishes such that we never really run out of plates/forks/spoons/cooking utensils.
I take my dogs out every day and make sure they eat. I feed the cats. I keep enough mugs clean for my 4-5 cups of coffee a day. Coffee is the real magic maker in my life, minus that I don’t know how anything would get done. A cup of coffee though, and I have a desire to accomplish things. Sometimes I’ll sip coffee while I’m doing the above chores. Nicotine helps too.