I know we don’t talk methods, but this here is a method that doesn’t kill, it just…. relocates. So my body is going to be all hell to try and kill. Lots of people are attached to it/would get upset if it wasn’t alive anymore.
I had this idea a few decades ago, but I didn’t have all the code for it. The idea of metacognition is to reprogram your own brain, and finally with a BS in psychology and computer science, I think I might just manage it.
The idea is to lift the back wall. Escape sanity, not life. I was just reviewing my music collection, and a running theme is the idea that this world, this civilization and this culture are fundamentally stupid. You can’t teach them better, because their complacency is very much on purpose, part of the deal. I had the ambition to be a fire brand, try to inspire the change that I needed to survive in this world. I’ve been rendered irrelevant.
of course I realize the irony, the self satire that is spending my time trying to explain to the world that failed me why I want to leave. There’s an element of “doth protest too much” to talking about literally checking out of reality. However, I don’t see another way to do it. I want to lay down bits at a time, until I’m completely incommunicado apart from through some highly esoteric and abstract means of communications. I’d like that to be music, because I’m a romantic like that. It’ll probably be poetry or stories. It seems like poets are the most likely types to have figured out this exit. Some visual artists look like they might, but I abandoned that skill set long ago.
and of course, I write this for critique and the aid to anyone else having similar ideas. I might fail, and that failure would no doubt be instructive to the next iteration of me; disgusted with the world, detested and rejected by those capable of meaningful validation, ready to embrace unreality, til kingdom come
can an agnostic say “til kingdom come”? does it have the same punch if the writer themselves doesn’t fully believe in it? Eh, I don’t think any artist can fully believe in anything. Awareness of beauty is also awareness of nothingness, of the great fraud of significance and meaning. The only thing beautiful or true is that nothing is so absolutely.
writing this, rereading, I ended up asking the question why I am feeling this way today.
I talked to my case manager, it was very affirming. It also seemed to remind me how frustrated I am with the front line fighters for meaning. There isn’t any meaning, and they should have to own some of that. If you get food poisoning, don’t you look at who prepared the food?
maybe that’s a poor metaphor. All metaphor is rather crude and overly generalized. Yet, people are too stupid to get things if explained in exact terms. That’s probably the problem; those of us with the education to explain become exhausted trying to lower the explanation down to the idiots who run the show.
This is a brilliant plan if you can pull it off by sheer will. I’ve thought of something similar but through the use of drugs, after prolonged abuse, to enter a state of permanent dissociation from the living world. Unfortunately I’ve heard the drug method doesn’t work as planned.
But maybe the disciplined mind can accomplish what drugs can’t. Sort of like those movies where the protagonist suffers a mental breakdown and is shown in the final scenes quietly humming with a dopey smile in a padded room. Next best thing to suicide?
Hiding yourself behind a wall of esoteric nonverbal communication sounds like what a lot of creative geniuses did by nature. So we’re told in their biographies. The Van Goghs, the Beethovens, they withdrew from society and preferred the company of their art. I suppose they encoded all their thoughts into their work. But the problem is they still suffered.
I don’t think it’s possible to escape suffering, only to refuse to engage and condone it…. it’s going to be a combination of very strong drugs and meditation…. if I figure it out, perhaps I’ll market it, I imagine such a thing would be in great demand.
What would be the purpose if you can’t escape suffering though? I suppose it might be sort of a silent protest, like the self-immolating monk we’ve mentioned here before. But if we accept that the folly of man is overwhelming and we can’t do anything about it, then what is the point of even protesting?