Today in particular is bad. I dont know when it started. For the past month more or less I’ve been having nightmares almost every day. And I’m stressed out about my school work. I have so much work to do.
I even had a nightmare today. The only thing I remember is that I had cancer, so I didn’t have any hair.
I’ve been going out and meeting people. Well not really meeting people, just walking up and talking for a short while. I guess it’s better than nothing. I wanted to get to know more people. I do. I met a very beautiful girl just before valentine’s day but I didn’t ask her out. I wanted to, but I didn’t.
i’ve been wanting to go to church. I haven’t gone though. Yesterday I took the train into the city and I walked around for an hour. I recorded a video of a cat but it was so far away it just looks like a dot in the video.
I messaged someone that I missed a lot. I called an old friend. They don’t seem to care about me very much. I pray to God every day. I want help, I don’t know what to do… no matter what I try everything just falls apart eventually.
I’m really tired. When I wake up, anytime from 3 am to 1 pm, I feel exhausted. My head hurts the whole day. Some days I feel energetic and happy, but I don’t know why, it just happens I guess. Not today. Not yesterday either. I don’t remember the days before that. Maybe I should start journaling again.
Tomorrow I’m going to buy a clock. I want a clock for my room so I know what time it is when I wake up. I’m going to put it on my bedside table. Everything will be fine, I hope. But I don’t feel very good.
The people around me don’t make me very happy. As always, my mom always complains about me, and my dad has started doing it too. I don’t want to be as depressed as I was two years ago. When it all started. I want to die.
My older brother talks to me a lot. I don’t know what he’s saying, because I don’t remember right now. But he says a lot of things to me. I would like to have a clearer head. I probably don’t do enough exercise.
I don’t like his girlfriend. She’s too much like my mother. She doesn’t look like her but she acts like her.
I don’t really want a job, I want to go on an adventure. I also want to become a hermit at some point, or maybe just live in a very remote place as a monk or a priest. I want it to be in Siberia probably. I’ve always wanted to learn russian anyway.