they were shot by a random bad guy?
Like imagining you went to the bank or store, and some random bad person is there, holding up the bank or store or restaurant with a gun, and you’re like, “ok, shoot me and put me out of my misery.”
I wouldn’t want to suffer and be bludgeoned to death or anything. It’s a very specific fantasy about being shot (1 shot, quick and fatal) without me having to suicide.
I have these thoughts ALL the time.
Too afraid of using a gun on myself bc I hear of so many stories of how ppl survive and are fucked up way worse. Even with a gun, death is not certain, and even if it is fatal, it could take agonizing hours to die.
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Hi Eternal. Long time, etc. I lurk here but don’t post much anymore.
Yes, I harbor that fantasy as well. It would be so quick and easy, provided the shot was dead on, pun intended. I work in a store, and we receive training on active shooter situations, and my only plan if one ever walks into my store is to confront him with arms spread wide open. (Provided my fight or flight reflex doesn’t kick in and I panic and head for the door.)
I attempted two years ago. I ended up in my truck at a park surrounded by cops. I had a weapon, and they knew it. They parked a swat type vehicle in front of me with a sniper on top, aiming a rifle at me, in case I tried to harm any of them. I sat there for 3 hours, talking to a negotiator and trying to muster the courage to do it myself, or threaten them and let them end it.
March 24 will be the 2 year anniversary. I still wish I’d had the courage to threaten the sniper. You know he was just waiting for me to do it.
Anyways. I’ll get it right one of these days. Good to see your name here, sorry things are what they are.
Hi Once. Been a long time. Would ask how have you been but it seems life has been shitty lately for the both of us. Things have just gotten SO much worse. I just want my misery to end. The ONLY reason I am still here is bc there is NO quick and guaranteed way to do it.
I’ve heard too many ppl attempt with a gun and screwing themselves up to want to try that route. If the aim is true, it should be a quick end. BUT so many ppl miss that it scares me. I am curious to know, are the ones that attempt and miss and fuck up their face- have they never held a gun before? Or would someone who does know how to shoot be still subject to mis-aiming? I haven’t held a gun in years but did know how to shoot so I know about recoil and all that. Idk, a gun is the best way to do it BUT those stories about ppl shooting themselves and living with a blown up face is fucked up.
so what happened? the negotiator got you to drop the gun? they forced you into a mental hospital for 3d? how did they know you had a gun? who called? did you attempt at a place where there were ppl who saw you?
if i was a woodsy person, i’d get deep in the woods or cliffs and either jump off a very high cliff or shoot myself in the woods where there’s no one. but i’m not a woodsy person, idk where is isolated enough, and too scared to attempt and fail with a gun.
I was talking to the negotiator and at the same time was releasing the hammer on my gun. My thumb slipped and it fired. It was aimed at the floor and somehow I didn’t shoot one of my feet. The cop asked me what the noise was and I told him. Hence, a few minutes later, the swat guys showed up to protect the other officers on scene. I had sent a goodbye text to my family earlier that morning and they called the cops to my apartment. I left in my truck as they were arriving. They had a description of my truck and put out a be-on-the-lookout for my truck. I went to a popular city park with the intention of doing it there, but couldn’t get the courage, and meanwhile, two cops entered the park and saw my truck. They later told me they didn’t know I was there, they just decided to check. They closed off the park to the public for 3 hours. Amazingly, the only crime I had committed up to this point was discharging my gun within the city limits, so eventually they asked me if I would be willing to surrender it to them and then go home. (They had come to the conclusion that what I was doing was more of a “cry for help” than a real attempt, and felt that allowing me to leave was ok.) So, I surrendered the gun, and drove out of the park. They let me go, but I was on the phone with the negotiator for part of the drive home. All in all, he was a decent guy.
There’s a long story as to why I ended up attempting, but maybe another time. I’d been unemployed for a year, using drugs heavily, and grieving the loss of a cat that was my child. Add depression into the mix, and abracadabra, it’s off to the park with a gun to go bye bye. I’d been seeing a therapist for about two months before the attempt, and mentioned it to the negotiator. They notified him, and he had me put in the psych ward for two weeks. (Other than losing my civil rights and ability to leave the building, it was a very good experience. Staff was cool, food was delicious.)
The urge to commit hasn’t left, it’s as strong as ever. I’m in therapy, attending a 12 step fellowship, and putting up a good fight against the ever present darkness, but I feel pretty certain it’s only a matter of time. Each passing day is a reminder of the futility and pointlessness of scurrying about like a mindless roach, playing the game of humanity. I mean, what changes? But that’s also another conversation.
On a lighter and somewhat comical note, I was awake for 19 hours before the standoff at the park, sitting in my recliner at home, listening to classical music by candlelight, holding the gun and trying to “do it.” I was scheduled to start a new job at Walmart that same morning. After I surrendered the gun and went home, I showered and went to work, told them I was three hours late for my first day and that if I was fired, I understood. They didn’t really care, and so I went to work, with no sleep. Still work there today. Good grief. Anyways, that’s it in a nutshell. I also had to fight a charge for discharging a firearm in the city limits, but got it lowered from a misdemeanor to a violation, basically a slap on the wrist.
what’s a violation? it’s just a fine?
yeah, you did say years ago that when your cat dies, then it’s time for you to go with your gun. but why choose a busy park tho…?
so bc u didn’t shoot yourself, you get rewarded with a violation for discharging a gun. how lovely to get punished for being alive. -_- in japan, suicide by train is so common that they bill the parents for the cleanup. imagine that, your kid commits suicide and the govt slaps you a bill for the cleanup…
do you regret sending the goodbye text to your family? are you angry at them for calling the cops? i suppose they would have been alerted anyway when your gun accidentally went off. but yeah, never a good idea to send a goodbye text bc ppl tend to intervene.
how’re your family? do they “love” you?
I regret not having the courage to pull the trigger, which I believe, stems from the fact that I wasn’t ready to die, despite thinking I was, which means that subconsciously the whole thing WAS a cry for help. I’m still not sure how I feel about sending the goodbye text – it seemed like the thing to do, akin to leaving a note. I thought it would provide the incentive to complete the act, you know. “I just sent the text, can’t turn back now.” But it didn’t. As for the violation, yes, it’s a lesser crime, a downgrade from a misdemeanor which will have less of a chance of appearing on background checks. I’m not angry at my family for calling the cops. I knew they would. Again, I see now that I was crying for help. Much has changed since then. My depression has become more menacing and involved, but I’m learning a lot about myself and why I behave in certain ways in the 12 step group I attend. Can’t say that ultimately it will make me a different person with a positive outlook on life, but for now, it’s helping. I despise being human…I hate how we’re asked to exist…and would welcome death in the manner you suggested.
One of my siblings no longer speaks to me after my attempt, but the others do. They “get it.” One of them attempted many years ago as well.
As for choosing the park, in all honesty, after I left my apartment, my plan sort of fell apart, and I just started driving, wondering what the fuck I was doing and seriously doubting my resolve. I had every opportunity to do it, but just couldn’t. I found myself at the park after driving around for about fifteen minutes. I’m not very good at suicide, clearly. Lol.
“…but I’m learning a lot about myself and why I behave in certain ways in the 12 step group I attend.” Wow, it’s actually helpful? Maybe it’s bc I’m always stuck in my head and always thinking about everything, I’ve never “discovered” anything about myself that I didn’t already know, which is a large reason why “therapy” doesn’t help me any.
oh, so you didn’t have a location planned out beforehand?
I’m not sure most suicidal ppl WANT to die rather than ppl don’t want to live the current life they’re living. Many people are miserable in their current life. If I had a different life (different circumstances), I probably wouldn’t want to snuff myself out. In my case, if I had good health and lots of money (and therefore less worry, stress, and hardships), I’d be much better off.
are you “close” with your family? (obviously not the one that refuse to talk to you now). do they genuinely care about you?
Meh…we text each other occasionally. That’s about it. Our “bond” is pretty flimsy. If one of them were to die, in all honesty, I don’t know that I’d travel 1500 miles to attend their funeral. But I’m sociopathic that way…humans in general mean very little to me.
do u have very little emotion in general (apart from depression)? born this way or was created this way (something in early life)? i knew of a guy (met him only once, texted online for a few months) who admitted he was a sociopath. Like actual sociopath. He cared very little for all humans, all pets, everything.
I’ve never trusted humans, and as a child remember only being a disappointment to all adult authority figures. Parents and teachers constantly reminded me what a disappointment I was, so I learned to not trust and to distance myself from any human intimacy. That hasn’t changed, although Im making some progress. Don’t know what love for a human could feel like, but can easily feel love for any animal. The 12 step program I’m in is all about building relationships with other people as a means of support and learning. It is the most awkward thing I’ve ever attempted, and I’m struggling with it big time, but I’m making some progress in terms of learning to express myself and be vulnerable to others. So maybe that’s good, maybe I’ll give up on it. I don’t know where it will lead. I’d have to say my childhood experiences made me what I am, so to answer your question, yeah, it was early life stuff.
I’m the atypical male who doesn’t find any appeal in that method, either someone else doing it or me. You touched on it yourself; you can screw it up.
I’ll let you in on something; most criminals with guns are idiots, and have no marksmanship. Granted the same is true of civilians with guns. The gun is supposed to be “scary” and make you do what they want, if it stopped doing that, they’d consider other methods.
Interesting weirdness in Americans, more afraid of knives than guns. I’d be fine with a knife wound, because it’s rare that it leaves any of the metal in your body.
Supposing you survive the shot, what if it is in such a place in your body they can never remove it? Then every time you go through a metal detector you’ve got to explain you’ve got a bullet in you? Plus, usually there are health costs as well to carrying a bullet.
a criminal with a knife, they’re going to make sure you bleed out, if they have lethal intent. It’s not nearly as hard as shooting someone in just the right place. IDK, might just be me. I’ve never liked guns, never owned one, I think I fired one once on a firing range for a merit badge at summer camp…. did a lot of weird things at summer camp, stayed up all hours playing poker with my buddies, that I could go for some more of….
rolling first year campers out of bed by threatening to throw them in the lake, that was fun. Never had to throw one in the lake, but we did once get one in a two man carry halfway out of camp.
The whole point of the wish is for “1 shot, 1 kill” NOT surviving it. Hence, it’s a wish.