I haven’t had any real sleep since my car accident. No, I was not driving, I was a fucking pedestrian.
Whatever the car accident did, caused me to be unable to have deep REM sleep, so I’ve been chronically tired ever since then. As you can imagine, I’m fucking tired and exhausted and I just want to fucking SLEEP!!! If I could stab someone and if that meant I’d be able to sleep again, I’d fucking do it.
I literally have not a single night of REAL sleep since then. It’s been 14 years. And no, it’s not due to “stress” or some bullshit that dr’s spew when pills don’t work. Dr’s are idiots. If there’s not a pill that than “fix” it, then it’s all imaginary in your head. If it was due to stress, then I would be able to sleep SOME nights, rather than NO nights. Not a single restful night of sleep in the 14 FUCKING YEARS. I used to sleep 8 wonderful hours, deep restful sleep. And after car accident, I have not slept a single fucking night. Even when I manage to fall “asleep” the sleep is not restful, and not deep REM sleep.
No, before someone says “why don’t you just take a sleeping pill?” No, there’s NO sleeping pill that actually works. They may knock me unconscious, but none can give me back the deep REM sleep that I no longer am able to have. So I wake up tired. Every day I wake up fucking exhausted. And I’m supposed to do stuff and be productive.
No, it’s more than just “being tired” or like skipping a few nights of sleep. I remember back in college (before car accident) we’d pull all nighters to study, then crash and sleep for like 18 hours. Normal brains make up the sleep if you skip a night or two of sleep and everything is hunky dory. But not me. Every night I have a sleep deficit, and every day the sleep deficit accumulates, so 14 years worth of sleep deficit. And yet I’m expected to function like a normal human being like everyone else and get things done. I never make it up. It’s quite amazing how I haven’t snapped and gone insane and murdered ppl.
Imagine if you pulled all nighters, for 7d in a row, or 30d in a row. Or a year. It’s like that. And no, no cheating. No “napping.” Normal ppl sleep, normal ppl nap, normal ppl make up any sleep deficits. I don’t.
Or imagine having the hiccups, only it doesn’t stop for 7d or 30d in a row. Or a year. Most ppl would go insane.
I have not gone insane. No, Instead I’ve just become really angry, bitter, depressed, lonely, and withdrawn bc I tend to have a short fuse with ppl bc I’m always irritable from lack of sleep.
Fuck, I am so tired right now but still can’t sleep. Fuck me, WHY am I fucking punished and tortured like this? As if my whole childhood wasn’t shit enough, I have to have all this shit happen to me in adulthood, and I can’t fucking take it.
This is why I’m so fucking depressed and suicidal. THIS is why no amount of “thinking positive” and reframing your thoughts and journaling and whatever other shit just doesn’t work for me. But no, trust me I’ll get “told” to “just think positive” a million more times by a million more ppl who just don’t understand or don’t care. Fuck everyone. Fuck all the assholes who don’t give a shit or care to understand or have compassion.
Fuck me and fuck my life.
IT’S NOT FAIR. My life has been stolen from me.
And before you say “well life isn’t fair,” fuck you. Not everyone has gone through what I’ve gone through in my life. All the hardships, suffering, pain, abuse, poverty, lack of nutrition, and a million other things.
And I’ve gone through a lot. I’ve been “resilient” for so damn long. I just can’t anymore.
Most ppl who say “well life isn’t fair” usually tend to NOT be on the really short end of it, that’s why they can nonchalantly say “oh well, life isn’t fair.” And if you are one of those ppl, fuck you. You try not sleeping for 14 fucking years and come back and tell me “oh well, life isn’t fair” or “just think positive.” Fuck you. Fuck everyone.
Anyhow, I’m angry and bitter bc I can’t fucking sleep.
Fuck the universe for constantly shitting on me. Fuck you.
I wouldn’t be so fucking depressed if I could sleep and I had my health. HOW THE FUCK DOES THE WORLD EXPECT ME TO BE HAPPY-HAPPY WITH ALL MY HEALTH PROBLEMS?? Fuck everyone in my life who I’ve tried to explain and STILL don’t get it.
20 comments
This totally sucks Eternal. I don’t have chronic sleep issues, but have dealt with them from time to time…three days with zero sleep is as long as I’ve gone, and yes, I became manic, suicidal, homicidal, unable to think and cope. It’s a shitty hand to be dealt.
yeah, out of ALL the fucking shit the universe has heaped onto me, not being able to breathe, not having deep restful sleep, and being constant fatigued is one of the WORST fucking things. I can’t get shit done. How am I supposed to be happy and live any kind of life when I can’t breathe and sleep?
That’s why when ppl tell me to “think positive,” I’m like fcuk you. Thinking positive isn’t going to help me breathe or sleep or not feel like a tired fucking zombie all day every day.
right? no one has ANY fucking compassion or empathy or ANYTHING at all, other than to tell you you’re being lazy and it’s your fault for being depressed when you literally can’t fucking sleep or breathe properly. and yeah, like journaling or thinking happy thoughts is the fucking answer. and when you don’t listen to ppl’s “helpful advice” they shun you and blame you for not even trying. oh, like i haven’t tried a million times and i want to be miserable. right.
as you can probably tell, i am sick of humans. i am a misanthrope. all ppl do is judge you and shame you and criticize you for being sad, depressed and lonely. and for being sick. bc if you’re sick or depressed, it’s somehow YOUR fault and that there’s a solution but you’re just either too stupid or too lazy to find the answer.
Stupid question…is sleep apnea an issue?
well fuck, i was typing this long thing and pressed a button and the page accidentally closed. -_-
long story short, yes i do have a breathing issue and no, drs are incompetent idiots and have not helped me breathe better. hell, the ENTs and pulmonologists I went to won’t even acknowledge I have a problem breathing through my nose, and no i will not wear a CPAP machine even if they do acknowledge I have a breathing problem bc those machines are bad for your lungs. also bad to breathe in pure O2 when the body NEEDS AIR (78% N2, <20% O2).
….and just today I saw a commercial for some type of sleep apnea aid that doesn’t require a mask and hose, it works inside your body. Don’t remember what it was called. Spot on on the ambient air percentages. Blew me away when I learned we breathe mostly ********.
yeah, I didn’t know N2 was a banned word here. but yes, we mostly breathe N2, NOT O2. those asshats at the hospitals and ambulances give us pure O2, which is BAD for the body.
arg, too bad you can’t remember this thing that’s inside the body. i’m not sure i’d take it since everything from the Medical Industrial Complex is designed to make us sick and keep us sick. But curious to know what this new inside the body sleep apnea aid is.
It’s called Inspire. (Thanks google!)
Inspiresleep.com
thanks for the link. google says sleep apnea is mostly for the throat and tongue, my problem is chronically congested sinuses so i guess this isn’t for me. also, ouch, a surgery to implant a device into my body for life. yeeesh. kinda scary. great for those that works but fugggs, i can’t breathe through my nose and no fucking drs addresses my issue with the nose. they always want to treat me for my lungs and not my nose. like wtf.
N-i-t-r-o-g-e-n.
Wow. Didn’t realize ******** is a banned word. I feel so naughty.
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OMG! EternalDarkness this is serious! I am so sorry for what you are going through! This really sucks. I Hope someday they find a cure. Have they done an MRI or something?
dude I hear ya. My insomnia is nowhere near as bad as yours, but it’s bad enough that I know this can be a fatal condition.
When we’re sleep deprived (sleep = deep REM sleep like you described) we literally can’t think beyond 2″ in front of us. It’s like when you pull an all nighter for a test an fall asleep 20 mins before your alarm… During that moment it flashes thru your head that you’d rather skip the exam & fail out of school if you could just sleep a couple minutes.
This is how an insomniac feel 24 hrs a day. All the important and critical things in your life amount to nothing because all you want is sleep. That’s when we start making really bad decisions.
I wish I had the magic cure for you man. I did manage to cure myself but it was a ton of work, years of dangerous experiments with chemicals and extreme diet, and I doubt it would work on anyone else. But maybe it might help you to know that someone beat the insomnia trap, so it’s not necessarily incurable.
On a different note… I read once that the most common drugs found in people who killed themselves are sleep aids. Researchers try to make the correlation that sleep aids make ppl suicidal but I’m thinking causality is the other way around: People who can’t sleep are suicidal, that’s why their blood would have traces of sleep aids (which obviously didn’t work).
“Researchers try to make the correlation that sleep aids make ppl suicidal” –> bc research is almost ALL funded by pharmaceutical companies. they don’t want the public to know that 1- their antidepressant drugs do not work and 2- they want to give every other reason for suicide other than SLS. if they can blame things on sleep aids or whatever other bs, then society can continue to do nothing, the medical industrial complex can keep pushing their useless but extremely profit generating pills, and everyone feels better blaming the individual for being depressed rather than face that it’s a systemic problem that needs to be fixed. That’s our modern society in a nutshell.
“It’s like when you pull an all nighter for a test an fall asleep 20 mins before your alarm”
–>lol would funny if that didn’t actually happen. idk if it was 20min but however many minutes before but yeah, i did fall asleep and woke up late for the finals -_-
“This is how an insomniac feel 24 hrs a day. All the important and critical things in your life amount to nothing because all you want is sleep. That’s when we start making really bad decisions.”
–>That’s exactly how it is. Everything thinks I’m just a lazy POS and refuses to “think positive” when I have real physical issues and fatigue and sleep deprivation that is making me a miserable irritable angry depressed person.
if i could breathe and sleep, would i be so fucking depressed and fatigued? NO. i would at least be able to do daily stuff like groceries and laundry and little stuff and at least i wouldn’t beat myself up over not getting shit done. or at least getting groceries and shit wouldn’t be so difficult.
not sleeping has made me angry and irritable, and who wants to be around me? i can’t make friends anymore bc i’m angry, bitter and irritable and sleep deprived. FML. just FML.
Try putting your thoughts in spirituality. The world and the body are full of negative aspects, diseases. But physical life is not all there is.
can’t. wish i was one of those happy happy “spiritual” ppl but alas, i’m down to earth and if there’s no scientific proof, i can’t make myself believe in things. trust me, if i could i would bc ppl who believe whatever nice fluffy things tend to be happier.
actually, if there is anything more after physical death, i’d be MORE worried, bc what other shit is lying in store for me? who’s to say if things aren’t worse after death if there is an “afterlife”?
There is plenty of proof, only it’s not part of current scientific narrative (yes, like political narratives there are scientific narratives). To me, existence of life and world around is enough of a miraculous wonder to make me question everything.
About afterlife, you may have good reason to worry because there are many cases of reincarnation. And plenty of NDE Near Death Experiences, you may have heard of them. But it’s not a bad thing. If you’re suffering in this life, according to some beliefs you’re burning your bad karma and your next life will be better.
These days I’m reading Walter Russell, who was praised by Tesla. He makes a lot of sense.