I just don’t know. I’m so far behind in school work. I am so behind in everything. I lack a lot of the social skills I need to make it. I am not sure when it started. When I started giving up. I think I don’t do anything anymore because I have already failed the school year, so what’s the point in trying. I keep saying I’ll try harder but I don’t.
I don’t know when I started drinking but it’s become a thing. I realized that I just take whatever I can get my hands on. My mom is at a loss. She told me she never thought she would have a kid who failed everything. A kid who is as selfish as I am. She used to expect me to make straight A’s and now all she ‘hopes’ for is that I graduate highschool. I have given up so many times in so many ways. I almost died this past summer. I almost succeeded. I was almost there. If I could have fought off the fatigue a little longer I wouldn’t be here right now.
I thought I already hit rock bottom but no. I just keep falling. I occasionally land on a ledge and try to climb up and then the ledge gives way. I am back to falling. Time never stops. It never slows down, not for anyone. But most people manage to keep up with it. Except for me. I thought I almost left a couple days ago. But no. There are 7 stages of alcohol. #1. Sobriety, #2. Euphoria, #3. Excitement, #4. Confusion, #5. Stupor, #6. Coma and #7. Death. By my saying that I bet you could guess how I tried to off myself. Yup. Alcohol poisoning. I only entered the stage #5 though. My mom thinks I was just being a dumb teenager. She asked me if it was an attempt. I obviously told her no. My mom works so hard and I know she cares but I’m suffering. So is she. When someone has to deal with a kid like me, they are obviously Miserable. I would just be doing her a favor but she wont let me.
That’s awful about your mom making you feel like a failure and a burden, you didn’t force her to give birth so why should she lay blame on you for anything? But I also know it’s impossible to ignore voices like that, criticizing and putting you down. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Alcohol is bad news, I’m sure you’ve heard it a hundred times but it’s true. I went through about 2 years of suicidal alcoholism, I’m talking 1L of vodka every 2 days, and after the initial “euphoria/excitement” phases ended it was pure suffocating darkness. I managed to break away from booze although I still pop pills like a junkie, I can manage those. Alcohol shifts your entire personality in a bad way. Have you tried a different coping trick? I don’t necessarily mean something silly like needlepoint, but there are other ‘self destructive’ ways to cope that aren’t as bad as alcohol. Any form of harm reduction is a good thing.
I mean i’m on anti anxiety and antidepressants and mood stabilizers. There is a difference between we when I take my meds and me when I don’t take my meds. I think taking meds just suppresses everything a decent amount but i’m still struggling.
I’ve tried a lot of things like smoking pot, vaping, cutting, picking, scratching, and as previously stated drinking. It all works for a little amount of time then stops. So I swap around quite often. I mainly listen to music but it can only do so much.
My mom doesn’t always put me down and i’m not sure she’s trying to hurt me between she does say those things its a lot all at once. They say depressed people don’t cry but they’re wrong. I wish I didn’t cry at all. It always causes my face to breakout a little and my eyes obviously get red and it just feels like my whole face is burning. I HATE CRYING
who says depressed ppl don’t cry? isn’t that literally the hallmark of depression?? people deal with depression in different ways, and it manifests in different ways for different people. some ppl cry a lot, some stuff their emotions away and never cry or have strong emotions, some do drugs or alcohol, others not. some self cut, while others passively aggressively hurt other people.
anyway, i get what you’re saying. my mom (and the rest of my family) cut me down too, and they all see me as a failure and a burden.
fuck, i see myself as a failure and a burden -_-
yeah that’s how I see myself as well. Idk where I heard it but someone said I’m “Fake Depressed” because I cry. Gosh I hate it when people say that. And yes there are a lot of kids who act fake depressed but I don’t go calling them out. uggghh anyways the point is crying Fucking sucks.