Im never gonna escape the self destruct area because it IS ME. I feel I am slowly and subconsciously destroying my relationship with my mom. I never wanna talk anymore. Talking to people annoys me. Im failing all my classes and my mom just wants to withdraw me from school till next year. I hate high school. Its like there’s instructions in my brain to self destruct my life and I can’t stop it. Im falling towards rock bottom and and occasionally land on ledges that break my fall But its only for a moment Then the ledge crumbles out from under me.
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That’s not a bad idea about withdrawing from school til next year. Someone at my school did that and she turned out ok. She disappeared in jr year and I never got the whole story but rumors are that she was institutionalized. Whatever the reasons, she came back sr year and did great, got into a good college and seems happy with her life.
I think high school throws too much at kids and there’s too much pressure to absorb it all. At the same time there are all the emotional life issues being thrown at you, and if you don’t have a rock solid family to keep you grounded you can go off the rails. I think it’s ridiculous that 17 year old kids are supposed to make a career decision that will decide the rest of their 80 year lives. If it were up to me, there would be a mandatory break after jr year to give everyone a breather, digest everything, figure out their lives (as best they can), then return for the final year and only then make decisions about their future.
It sounds like you’re really at your breaking point and that’s understandable. Give it some thought about taking a year off. Maybe there’s even a home school program, or study abroad so you can stay with your class. Or hell, just kick back and relax for a while to catch your breath. I wish my parents had suggested that to me. Instead I made a series of bad decisions and look where that got me lol
as I’ve said before, I dropped out and got my GED, and I ended up a published researcher… so your present doesn’t have to determine your future.
on the other hand I was never forced to persist. I never had to go to a job I couldn’t respect myself in, and that luxury has made me soft, and not nearly tough enough to compete on a level playing field. My only hope in any contest is endurance. I can last longer, and that’s taken time to work up to.
but to heck with professional life. Aren’t we so much more than where we work, or who we work for? The fact that such things are so easy to lose recommends them as poor investments of identity and emotion. If it seems right now that any single factor determines who you are, I endorse stepping away from it.
Nothing is worth it. No one and no project will ever be worth the tears you shed trying to make it work. There are other factors besides what you do at play.
I’m about as far from an observant christian OR support group member, but the one thing I like is the first line of the Serenity prayer (from which I will omit a word)
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t control, the courage the change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I have it mounted in my bathroom, and I look at it every day. It reminds me that if I’m doing my best, that’s the best I can do, as vapid as that sounds. I can’t do anyone else’s best is the point, only mine.