I could use a little weed or maybe some alcohol. its been a lot lately I been taking 2 Benadryl each day two sleep all day at school since im gonna fail anyways. I need a break. It would be nice if I could just pause time for a little while. I keep thinking I am going to try harder and I do for a little while but I just keep going back down. Can’t seem to ever catch up. All I ever do is sleep and work. Some times if I feel like it i’ll play my piano. I don’t play video games like I used too. I have lost all interest in things that I normally like to do. Working has become one of my hobbies but my boss said its not a hobby its just something I do to distract myself. I had a deep conversation with my boss the other day and I was just sitting there crying and telling her my struggles and she comforted me.
My coworkers made me out to feel stupid because I did not know how to place a to go order for myself, one of them said “are you really placing an order 7 minutes before the Kitchen closes” I told him yeah because I worked my ass off all shift and he said “the Kitchen is gonna not like you”. I then asked how to start the order and he said “do you really not know how”. I was able to figure it out on my own, no thanks to him. I hit the place order button and an error popped up on the screen and someone else said “how do you fuck up a to go order?” like im some stupid fuck. I don’t work in to gos dumbass Im not trained on how to do that.
I know I have people who support me so why am I not feeling any better. Maybe its because I hate myself. They say you can’t love anyone else till you love yourself. But I feel like that’s not true . I still care about people.
4 comments
wow the benadryl study program, I took that one too! Used to load up with bennies on the bus just to make it thru the day. It didnt work… I wouldve gotten better grades if I just stayed home. But yeah I guess you know that it messes with your memory retention.
Oh also….! (since you need more bad news) it severely hampers your piano skills lol. But the good news is when it wears off you’ll be amazing at the piano so maybe it aint a bad idea after all…
Seriously tho, I’m sorry you had such a shitty day and your coworkers are genuine 2-ply asswipes. Just remind yourself that they must be total losers to get so snotty over a service industry job. I worked restaurants also so I know the type… kings of the kitchen. Like you said it’s just a hobby (distraction) for you so treat it like a dumb videogame.
I also agree with your last statement, you can still love others if you hate yourself. idk where that stupid saying came from. Sometimes the more you hate yourself the more you channel it into being kind to others, as if trying to feel vicarious happiness thru them. The self hate part is independent of everything else which is why it’s so hard to break
“They say you can’t love anyone else till you love yourself.”
One of the biggest lies out there, serves only to alienate and kick ppl who are already down.
Can you not get weed? Or have i misconstrued the weed reference.Id go fucking crazy without weed. Now alcohol is a drug which gives me no pleasure. Good luck scoring weed it will chill you out.
I can’t my mom decided to start drug testing me every week.