I could use a little weed or maybe some alcohol. its been a lot lately I been taking 2 Benadryl each day two sleep all day at school since im gonna fail anyways. I need a break. It would be nice if I could just pause time for a little while. I keep thinking I am going to try harder and I do for a little while but I just keep going back down. Can’t seem to ever catch up. All I ever do is sleep and work. Some times if I feel like it i’ll play my piano. I don’t play video games like I used too. I have lost all interest in things that I normally like to do. Working has become one of my hobbies but my boss said its not a hobby its just something I do to distract myself. I had a deep conversation with my boss the other day and I was just sitting there crying and telling her my struggles and she comforted me.
My coworkers made me out to feel stupid because I did not know how to place a to go order for myself, one of them said “are you really placing an order 7 minutes before the Kitchen closes” I told him yeah because I worked my ass off all shift and he said “the Kitchen is gonna not like you”. I then asked how to start the order and he said “do you really not know how”. I was able to figure it out on my own, no thanks to him. I hit the place order button and an error popped up on the screen and someone else said “how do you fuck up a to go order?” like im some stupid fuck. I don’t work in to gos dumbass Im not trained on how to do that.
I know I have people who support me so why am I not feeling any better. Maybe its because I hate myself. They say you can’t love anyone else till you love yourself. But I feel like that’s not true . I still care about people.