What the fuck.

My mind is so chaotic. I have no idea what’s going on. I hate it. Yesterday I was at a train station, and I looked at the tracks and I just wanted to go down there and walk until I got hit by a train. But I didnt. And when I was on the train I cried a little. While I was walking home, I felt sad because of how lonely I am and I thought that if literally anyone came up to me I would talk to them. Then someone came running in my direction to catch a bus and I just ignored them and kept walking. Really? And today I feel somewhat fine. Not good, not bad. Not empty. Just nothing. Nothing at all really. I was really happy when I woke up though.

Everything is ultimately my fault, isnt it? All of my problems. I feel so stressed and I have no idea what to do about it. I don’t know how to relax. The only time I feel relaxed is after I go to church. How am I supposed to deal with myself? I just feel disgusted with my thoughts. Everything is just, blegh. All the progress I make feels pointless. I’m “getting better” or “getting healthier” but for what end goal exactly? I’m not going to be happy or fulfilled anyway. I already feel happy/fulfilled, and an hour later I want to step in front of a train. So what the fuck is the point of all this? Really. I don’t understand myself.