It Comes In Waves

Those feelings of dread, sadness, fear, self-hatred. The feeling of being worthless. The feeling of wanting to die. Then you come out of it. Just a bit. The feelings are still there, but they don’t ache as much. They become flat. Maybe you might even feel a little happy. A little carefree. They were real tough a few weeks ago. Then a felt a little lighter. Now I can feel it again. Slowly coming back. I haven’t been here on a small while. I want to comment more on people’s posts. In a small way I’d like to think I made them feel even a little bit better about everything. To let them know that their understood. I know this place is mostly a hole where people dump their problems into. But we might as well show one another we care a little bit. Last week was hell week. It wasn’t that bad. I did my presentations and they all went ok. Now I’m almost done for the semester. My grades look ok. Except for one. My directed research. I did nothing the whole semester. I tried helping with the project, but that can’t count as research. I expect to get a failing grade, and thus a failing gpa. With that I will have no choice but to drop out since my scholarship says I must be within good academic standing. The truth is a sort of forgot I was even enrolled in this sort of thing. It’s my fault for not trying to talk more to my advisor. For not doing enough. Funny thing is, I was sort of warming up to the idea of staying in school. It’s actually hilarious. I know that I would never be capable of getting my master’s, but I wanted to see how far I could go. Now I will drop out after a semester. I always said that would be the case. Now I wait for grades to come in. Depending on what happens, I might drop out or I might stay. Depends on how things go. In the end it was all on me. And it will probably turn out that I really am a worthless failure. Who knows. Not me.