me: fuck i just got triggered real fucking fucking bad
nobody:
me: i mean real motherfgucking bad my worst nightmare is happening
nobody:
me: im trying to hold on with everything ive got but thats not enough. not today. ive done all the things they tell you to do in a crisis. its not working its not fucking working
nobody:
me: idgaf i should just go back to my sh and my pills if thats all i got
nobody:
me: i mean is that a good idea
nobody:
me: seriously will it be better to just suffer thru this and wait for it to go away? or wiull it keep amplifying? the bridge is just a short hop away. surely drugs and sh are better than that
nobody:
me: or does it even matter? what does it fucking matter what i do with this body, its all worm food in the end and thats gonna be real soon so whats the fucking point of trying. maybe i should just forego the drugs this time and skip to the end. i need some gfucking advice here i need some fucking guidance becs im obviously not in a state of mind to maek life altyering decisions
nobody:
me: i thought so
5 comments
That’s the real question, isn’t it? Is it better to wait out the storm or resort to any kind of immediate relief? I usually go for the former these days as I believe it is better than dealing with the constant loop of ‘feel bad – do something outlandish – feel better until you feel bad again – repeat’.
It helps to occupy your mind with anything else during those moments, but that’s easier said than done. Regardless, I hope you feel better.
thanks I do feel better… only because (yet again) I resorted to SH & drugs, in sufficient quantities to knock me out for nearly 14 hrs.
“resort to any kind of immediate relief” <- that's really the only thing that works for me too. Some people are lucky to be able to let things slide off them… "time heals all wounds" and all that. But I think if you've suffered extreme or prolonged hardships, time becomes the enemy. The longer you do nothing, the more your mind amplifies the pain.
so our only hope is the loop you described. Repetition itself is pretty pointless, but at least it doesn't hurt as bad as a straight nosedive that never ends
I to find myself craving some kind of social feedback when I’m spiralling. When reality feels like too much for one person to process, it can really help to get an outside perspective. Unfortunately I find socializing pretty tortuous, so I haven’t made the effort to maintain the relationships that would help with that. Or I’m just tedious to talk to and people drift away of their own accord. So I’m left trying to reason with myself, which isn’t very effective.
Exactly… “trying to reason with myself” isn’t very effective when “myself” is in pain. It’s like trying to reason your way out of a car wreck with your legs shattered. At that point you need a doctor, medic or some outside sane person to help you. and if you don’t have that support you’re screwed.
I also agree that socializing is really torturous. I guess once you’re out of high school there’s no more social structure in place. you have to build your own & maintain it. I find that nearly impossible. people naturally drift in different directions, we don’t have a bell that rings and brings us back to our assigned seats with our friends around us. I’m not even that old but I feel like social life is fucking hopeless
My social structure started falling apart before I was even out of high school. The few friends I had mostly dropped out to go in different directions, and we weren’t really close enough to justify keeping in touch. Then college was a complete disaster, so nothing gained there. I picked up a few sort-of friends in my early 20s, but again not close enough to keep in contact when I had to move away. I never really pushed myself to socialize with work colleagues that I got on with when I had the chance, as I found it too stressful to approach. And now I work from home, so there’s not even the possibility of that anymore. Outside of my family, the only person I even speak to semi-regularly is my landlady, which is so sad.