Somehow This Part is Worse

As I mentioned before, I think I fucked myself and got a failing grade on my directed research. I forgot/ignored it all semester so nothing got done. It didn’t help that my advisor was on sabbatical and didn’t really guide me much on what I was supposed to do. Although I can not blame him as it was on me to get things working. Now I wait for what I believe will be a failing grade. It drops Saturday. So somehow this waiting is worse than the past few weeks. I knew something was going to get me in the end. It’s my fault. I made my bed and now I lie in it. Failing means that I’ll have to quit school since I can’t afford it without the scholarship money. Failing gpa means no money. I think apart of me wanted this to happen, and that’s why I let it happen. This was my way of quitting. It’s funny now that I’m at the end, I kind of wanted to continue. Seems I can’t make up my damn mind. Right now I’m halfheartedly looking for jobs both here and back home. Here if it turns out just going to lab was enough to pass and I can continue after all and back home in case what actually is going to happen happens. Looking at the job market, I am filled with dread. There seems few places that are offering entry level engineering jobs. At least on the topics that I want. Even then I see the qualifications list and realize how useless I really am. Unable to do most of what they asked for. I said I felt fucked either way. But somehow school sounds more appealing in this moment. Hilarious how I won’t be able to attend anymore. Last thing I want to leave is this song. I used to leave songs all the time when I first started posting. I think I’ll do that again.