The forever tainted

It only replays it never ends
3 years being cut away from you and I am still being punished for loving you
The wounds on my leg healed shut but I have not. For I am still bleeding from my wrist with your name in the background of my brain echoing louder and louder.
I loved you but you loved to scream
Scream until my voice can no longer be heard and I am hidden in a corner
In the same room where you told me you loved me, I hide from you

I lost my voice
My appetite
And my will to live in four months
Four months of torture
Being pinned on a bed praying to a God that never answered me
I was 14

When I was suppose to be falling in love instead learned what love wasn’t
I find myself questioning what I did to deserve all that I got
Unlearning that this wasn’t my fault
Falling for abuse because I thought It was love

I loved you but you didn’t love me
You loved the alcohol
Secrecy
And the pain you inflicted on others not just myself

There was a bounty on my head
And you were the one to kill me
I may be here physically but ever since that day
March 5th 2020
I lie in my bed and go on autopilot
And I can’t help thinking maybe it’s my fault
How do you save the broken when I was broke 3 years ago

Why did you pick me
Why was the girl you had to hurt
Why did you do this to me
Why did you ruin my life
These are questions I want to ask you
But will never will

Your touch has forever tainted me
The memories we created are a movie and my brain is a theater that wont play anything else
I am not paying for this movie but I feel like I am
I cannot escape the past

I can run and run until I am blue in the face
But blue reminds me of the color my face was when I didn’t listen
Instead I punish myself everyday
Inhale and release but even then you are there
You are in the smoke
In my body
Forever stuck in my brain.

Instead of healing with the world I have been 3 years behind
All because of you
Reshaping the girl I lost
The girl you killed

You are behind bars but so am I
The only difference is that I am stuck here forever and you get out
How can you say that I ruined your life when I found my voice
It is because I was no longer hiding in the corner
Or because I am now screaming back

I didn’t ruin your life you did that yourself
But you ruined mine