this is so ridiculous because I know exactly what will happen, I know what would stop it, but without it the destruction is inevitable. When I say destruction I mean (yet another) relapse into SH and drugs and suicidal agony that lasts about 3 days. Predictable like clockwork. Something triggers me (like it did just now), and I have about 2hrs to break the spiral otherwise I resort to that nasty stuff.
Talking, logic and words won’t help. So this is really a pointless rant. There has to be a physical interruption in my destructive routine. A knock at the door and someone diverting my attention for a couple hours, simple as that. But it has to be a physical real world event. That’s why suicide hotlines are fucking useless (been there done that). Even messaging friends is useless. Words are fucking useless in this world. And lookee here I just typed out a page of useless words. Welp I’m done. time to get on withj the inevitable
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Ah spirals, I know them well. Have you ever read the manga Uzimaki by Junji Ito? It’s a horror story where the villain is the spiral, which slowly twists the town into a real house of horrors, town of horrors? IDK, it’s the best manga I’ve ever read, and Junji Ito is a brilliant artist.
There’s got to be some point it can be interrupted. It may be already passed this cycle, there are points that compulsion takes over. What I would do, and have done, is look back and study the events that brought me here. There is usually a point where I could feel my will failing, or recognize signs from before and for whatever reason I chose not to do anything about it.
but I attach a sort of flag, a reminder to my brain “when you see this, stop, and think about it.” Next time I try to pull out when I notice it. Even then it’s not always successful, I have to track back a few times to find that moment that escape is possible.
In my case my problem is pride, not wanting to admit that I’m overworked or too tired. So I have to really relive my prior declines to be able to say to people; “sorry, I need to step away.” but what’s really pushing me is internal, other people are more than willing to give me the slack.
Final pop culture reference, there’s a song by They Might Be Giants called Spiralling Shape, it’s one of the ones I’ve memorized because it sooths my compulsions. I particularly like this bit;
“And now that you’ve tried it, you’re back to report
That the spiraling shape was a fraud and a fake
You didn’t enjoy it, you never believed it
There won’t be a refund, you’ll never go back
The spiraling shape will make you go insane
(Everyone wants to see that groovy thing)
But everyone wants to see that groovy thing
(Everyone wants to see that thing)”
though I could get on a long tangent about rediverting manic and compulsive impulses.
If only I could hurl myself through the glass window, creating a problem that would distract you.
Your window, I mean. Lol