The last couple of days have really not been the best. To start I haven’t been able to contribute properly to the lab project. Every single thing is screaming at me that I don’t belong there. That I don’t belong at that school. That I don’t belong at that lab. That I don’t belong at that team. I’m not an engineer. I have a degree for one, but I’m not an engineer. I don’t know what I’m doing, Every concept is so beyond me. I’ll never be smart enough or good enough to be a proper engineer. I made so little progress, that my teammate decided to take over and just do it himself. I don’t blame him. Things need to get done, and they can’t wait on me. I’ll never know what the guy thinks of me. I know that speculating that is pointless and no good. But in a large part of my mind, I “know” for a fact that he hates me and thinks I’m useless. At worst. At best he finds me pathetic and annoying. I just feel so defeated when I’m at that place. So sad and broken. But I choose to stay. I want to see how far I go. Maybe not that much farther, but I still want to see.
Lately my anger has really flared up. Everything seems to really get me angry. I visited an apartment today becasue I’m going to be moving out of my current one. It was agreed upon that I would visit at 12:30. I was there 15 minutes early. At 12:30 I texted “I’m at the front”. Nothing. Wait five minutes and I call. Nothing. Wait another 5 and I text. Nothing. Finally 5 minutes later and after a call, he picks up. 15 minutes. I waited on that cocksucker for 15 minutes. I was so mad. While I was waiting all I could think of is how I hope he gets in a car wreck after this. Hoping that his head gets caved in. I know that these violent thoughts are no good epecially over something so small. But I was on a schedule and I was heading to work afterwards. What pissed me off the most is he didn’t even apologize. Anyways the apartment was just ok.
Then I get to work and things start annoying me. All the fucking customers with their stupid demands. They show up right as I’m about to close, making my shift go on longer. Then there’s the fact that I have to close to begin with. Everything just makes me angry. Every thing just pisses me off so damn much. I start to curse God himself. Saying that he is an uncaring monster. All over such small things. I don’t know. Everything just had me so angry.
I tried calling her today. I do that sometimes. This time it went straight to voice mail. This could mean alot of things. Her phone could have been off or on do not disturb. But I’d like to believe she finally blocked me. Finally she decided that she wants nothing to do with me. Hopefully this means I can move on.
1 comment
hopefully it really is just a bad few days. I’ve had to challenge that internally lately, sometimes things are trending worse, but other times it’s a bad day, or two.