and yet

The thoughts come at night. I mean, they are there all the time lately, somewhere close to the surface. At night they get strong. Distractions stop working, the images take over, take a hold and will not let go. My whole being rearranges itself around them, my new core, my only thought. Cutcutcut. Escape. I know it will not solve anything. I know the guilt, shame and pain it would cause. And yet, the urge is so strong. I need it. I cannot go on, i cannot keep forcing my lungs to breathe without it. I cannot stand existence. I know it will not help. And yet…